Writing theses & making enemies

CHOCOLATE!! I NEED CHO CO LATE!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

Such is my eternal mood these days.

I lay brooding in my thesis induced state in a nest of chocolate wrappers, surrounded by crumbs of Twix, KitKat and Ritzbury Chocolate fingers (I kid you not, that stuff is GOOD!), starring spaced out at a computer screen, so much so that the screen is imprinted on my cornea. I feel slightly hungover although not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips since, oh the wedding. Note to self - after this grand nuisance of a thesis is done, I swear I will open a bottle of 1989 Cabernet Sauvignon all by myself (well maybe with a little help from the hubby boy. Remember that time when I popped a bottle of Champagne and the cork ended up landing on my head? Ya. So no) and finish it all by myself! (Maybe hubby boy can have a sip since he helped open the bottle and all).

When all this is over I am also taking a looooong, shamefully indulgent spa treatment. I will combine two spa treatments if I have to because well, my aching body, limbs and mind demands it! And then I'm going to go shopping. And I mean SHOPPING. Like real hardcore, drop-dead, can't carry anymore, there's literally a hole in my wallet kind of shopping. And it's going to be totally awesome.

Which has also got me thinking, what do I really do with all this time once this wretched thing is over! Hmmm...now that's a thought.

On other news, I think I have an enemy! This is exciting news in my otherwise greatly drab life!

I don't know when or where I started noticing it. There I was being my usual spaced-out self getting into the staff transport after a long and tiring day at work and flopping down on my favourite seat minding my own business/reading/listening to music and etc and suddenly I notice this little waif of a woman, looking more like a fruit fly than a woman (I swear I could almost see the antennas on her head) with large spectacles covering almost her entire face, actively giving me these God-Awful withering looks that would have wilted a coconut tree as she passed my seat every day. I noticed this once or twice and while fleetingly wondered what that was all about, forgot all about it afterwards. That was until she pushed me. And butted me with her oversized handbag. And stamped my feet. And purposefully sat next to me and while still giving me the evil eye, started pushing me to the corner complaining how she doesn't have enough space.

And this is not accidental pushing or shoving mind you. It would have been all negligible and I would have quickly dismissed it with an indifferent wave of hand if it hadn't been for the "I will eat your first born and pick my teeth with its bones" kind of look on her bug face every time each of these things happened *shudders*  

Now this is the staff transport route that I take since I partially moved to Yakkla (this is my cue to break into howls of despair and snotty nosed sobs) after marriage while when I am in Kiribathgoda, I have this awesome staff transport with awesome people who are full of smiles and kind and tender words. The Yakkala transport has always been troublesome for me. It's literally like the transport from hell. Being the new girl isn't easy there with everybody bulling me but I braved them all and just when I thought that I've seen the last of my troubles, along comes bug lady (honestly I can't seem to get over how bug-like she really is) and hovers about like that annoying fly (making that annoying wheeeeeeeeeee sound) that you just can't seem to get rid of.

And then I realized what her problem might be. Having sat at my seat once or twice while I was in Kiribathgoda, she seems to have developed a liking for where I usually sit. I like that seat, it's where I always sit. I like it because it gives me the secluded space that I need at the end of a tiring day surrounded by people and I like it because, well, I simply like it. And this fawn of Satan (it's quite easy to picture her doing the devil dance naked around a blazing fire and sacrificing virgins and drinking their blood), has developed a liking for it too. And she absolutely loathes me for having claimed it back, takes every chance she can to be nasty. I don't get it. I really don't get it.

So these days I find myself being usurped of my seat. Even when I come right at 4.30 on the dot (I managed several days just to test my theory), there she is, smugly seated, watching me from the corner of her eye, watching to see what I would do. I, of course, do not betray my feelings and not willing to admit defeat and I cooly go claim another seat without so much of a glance in that direction, calmly take out my book/music and continue doing what I do, all the time of course, muttering curses under my breath. Still I could feel her eyes boring right into the back of my head. The little Rumpelstiltskin clearly has a problem.

One often does wonder how one is snugly seated in the staff transport sharp at 4.30 when one only gets off duty at 4.30. I of course having actual work to do, cannot even comprehend how one is seated in the staff transport at 4.30 on the dot. Either she does not have any work to do, she does not work but loafs around till 4.30 or she has brilliant teleportation powers. I honestly doubt that it is the latter. Needless to say, it is because of people like this that companies go bankrupt and empires fall.

And when I make an enemy, I find out everything about them. And I mean EVERYTHING. And people who know me know that I am frighteningly good at it too.

But this case is an exception.

Despite the best of my attempts, I only found out the following information - she wears a ring on her left ring finger, which indicates that she may or may not be married, has an appearance of about 48 - 50 years old, which also may or may not be the case, a constipated look on her face and that she has a terrible dress sense. She works for the same organization that I do and may or may not live in Gampaha. That's it. Not even a name or a department. And this is despite my best efforts.

Which further goes to show that she may not be human.

This malicious little imp always finds a way to be close to me, even when I'm not sitting in her favourite seat(which is, technically speaking MINE!). Yesterday I found her breathing down my neck (which is quite hard to do since I am a good head or so taller than her) and this morning, without me even being aware of her presence, pushes me. I of course did not take this assault lying down. I pushed back. And answered the glowering and the swearing that followed with a sweet smile and a sorry.

That felt good.

All jokes aside, the situation is seriously sinister. If I am stabbed (cue 'Psycho' music) or mysteriously disappears, let this blog post be witness that it is the bug lady who probably has me skinned alive and is beaming from ear to ear, having covered herself with a blanket made off my skin.

*Shudders*. My fascination with the macabre even scares me sometimes.

On other matters, the prospect of becoming a stay-at-home person (I have an inherent abhorrence to the the term "housewife". It sounds like a synonym for domestic slave. Or slave wife.) is seeming more and more attractive in my eyes. Getting up early morning is taking away the good part of my youth I feel and for the best part of the day I am elsewhere getting harassed by Satan's imps and waging other people's wars. I am very happy about my current workplace. Nonetheless, I love my home (MY home. Not where I currently am) even more. But as people would say, I was born awesome but not rich, so getting up in the morning and going to work has to be worked in to the schedule somehow for now.

Unless I found a way to make a living from home. Hmm.....

And while I thus so shamelessly indulge in procrastination in the multifaceted forms of, inspirational posts, cat videos (I don't even like cats), celebrity gossip (I don't know who half these people are), serial killers (Yes, those are fascinating) and oh, pretty much anything that distracts me (it's amazing how everything starts seeming oh-so-interesting when you have something else to do, isn't it?), it bothers my mind that there sits, like a giant venomous, ugly frog, a monolithic (and torturous) thesis demanding my attention, blowing raspberries at me, making my very existence a source of woe and worry.  And then there's my food blog that I have sold my soul to. There also awaits a very exciting book that I've read 3/4 (Isabel Allende is awesome) and it's funny how I find myself sneaking off with it all the time to the washroom/hidden away in my room and etc. I don't know who I am hiding from! It's hilarious really. And a little sad :(

Anyhoo, it will all be over soon, I promise. (gives myself a hug).

I shall now go back to hatching a plan on getting back at that evil little staff transport Satan worshiper. Life just got a wee bit interesting with this malicious little imp of mine *rubs hands together as evil laughter ensues*


  

Theses and life in general these days

So what do you do when you have a thesis to write and less than a month to submit it?

You eat, drink, you finish the book you've been reading, write a verse or two, knead some bread (and bake it), watch a movie and then write a longass blog post about it.

Really I am pathetic.

So as you may be aware (if not check out my pre wedding posts on the blog which I am not too keen on sharing here), the Lady got married recently. As she is going about settling into this conjugal bliss/confusion/blissful confusion (?), it's time for us, both of us, to kill ourselves over yet another endeavor again.

And WHAT is this endeavor pray? Why, it is the final project of our MBA program - the Grand Thesis!

Comprising of a grand 15,000 odd words and a million other mundane things to do, to complete this monstrous task we were given, realistically, a little over one measly month. Technically the time period should be 3 months but well, by the time the method of the project had been conveyed to us, a whole two months are gone. Poof! Just like that!

Well technically, we could have started a month or so back but you know how things are in Procrastination Land. With hubby boy setting me to shame with procrastination skills, I am a little way ahead of him really in this whole arduous process.

And why am I writing this post now? Because PROCRASTINATION.

But I have my reasons you see. Just days after the wedding ceremony, we had to submit an assignment, over which we slaved over during what should have technically been our honeymoon. And no sooner do we hand THIS over, we are dragged away on yet another exciting adventure - talk about great timing for marriage.

And we are planning on a proper honeymoon as soon as all this hullabaloo is over. Heck, we are planning on honeymooning every other week!

Anyways,

Life is a little bit complicated now, what with shifting of residences, learning the life in two instead of one (two is better than one they say which I sometimes, only sometimes, begin to doubt), adjusting, adjusting and then adjusting some more. There's just too much of adjusting going on.

Am I such a horrible person that I sometimes keep pining for the days pre-marriage?

Marriage is a tremendous thing. I say tremendous because I can't find any other suitable word for it. There's the entire and complete change of lifestyle that is more than a little hard to swallow (btw, I think it is brutal that it is the girl who has to give up her name, the home where she grew up in, her family, move into an entirely strange place and set up life anew burdened with a ton of responsibilities that she had never known.) No matter what anybody says, it is the woman who makes the biggest sacrifices in a marriage. Let no one else tell you otherwise.

The other thing is the list of expectations that come with being married. Here in Sri Lanka you don't just marry the man, you marry his entire family, his grand uncle's first cousin, his daughter and her pet dog. Your man you can handle (sometimes), even the man's parents (here I have no complaints because I am blessed with the sweetest in-laws ever and I find myself adoring them even more than the hubby person :P ), but the extended family and friends - that I was not prepared for. You are expected to visit the relations' houses, the numerous alms givings, funerals, birthdays, Avrudu visits, bana, etc and being the new kid on the block, you are not supposed to miss a single one! And to just sit there smiling all prim and proper making conversation although you have absolutely nothing in common- let's just say that it's only slightly tolerable than having my fingernails pulled out.

Let's visit all our relatives just once, he said 

What you can't really shake off is this great loss of independence. You going anywhere alone is suddenly frowned upon, you are always expected to be seen in twos (you went to your own home by yourself?? Where's your husband/wife? You came by yourself??Oh horror!). There's also this sense of lost identity as you are identified as not you, Jayani C. Senanayake, woman, individual, human being in her own right but as somebody's wife/somebody's new daughter-in-law, etc. And it all feels very strange.

It's also strange, but you really can't help but feel that you are only half of what you really are, half of what you should be. It's sometimes like you are on this vacation that you don't particularly enjoy (or not enjoy) and your actual life is elsewhere, waiting for you. It's otherworldly sometimes, like being in an alien ship, being abducted. Or some equally unnerving thing.

Oh before I forgot, Melisandre gave life to Jon Snow! Useless bugger he is. He's been refusing every damn exciting thing that he has been suggested so far except to go to the North to fight Ramsey. Finally. I was beginning to wonder what a waste of resources to bring him back to life.

Getting back to the topic,

Leave alone mental trauma, the utter exhaustion (I'm used to working 20 hours a day and I'm more exhausted by all THIS than 20 hours of nonstop work) and etc, but I think the biggest challenge for me is that being a loner, sharing my space and maintaining my boundaries. For example, I like to sleep in late and wake up to a cool, dark room on my own terms whereas the hubby boy throws open the windows the moment he wakes (and he wakes way earlier than me), flooding the room with sunlight. This annoys me. Like REALLY annoys me.    

On one hand you thank your lucky stars to have found someone as amazing as him. On the other, you end up wondering WHY you decided to get married in the first place - I tell you, it's a constant dilemma.

Don't get me wrong, I married my best friend and partner in crime of so many years and we love each other to bits and pieces. But we are not perfect. We've gone through hell and back holding hands, we bicker and fight but at the end of the day we always end up in each other's arms. Having been together for 7 odd years, you naturally assume that you know everything there is to know about each other and take comfort in the fact that you two are so much alike. But once you start living with each other and start building a life together only you realize how different you really are, how contradictory your needs and priorities are. (actually I think the differences start playing out when you start planning your wedding together).

So how do you reconcile those differences?

You don't. You just need to remind yourself that you are two completely different human beings from two completely different backgrounds and always remind yourself how much you love and respect one another. As time goes on and as you distance yourself from the "Me" concept and start viewing the world through the "We" lens, you learn to be kind. You learn to be patient. You always remind yourself that the other person is trying too. Ultimately, things get easier. However, the practicalities remain. You do change. Tremendously. Monolithically. Stupendously.

And you learn to love more, to give more. And to expect nothing in return. You learn to look after yourself and in the process, you grow stronger.It's a good feeling, a satisfying feeling.

Alone, in a stranger's house, learning to fend for yourself, away from people who surrounded you with nothing but love all your life, you learn what being a woman is all about.

In certain ways you are happy - happy to come home into loving arms and adoring eyes, happy to wake up to tight hugs (when you are not waking up to shrill alarms that is). In certain ways, life has become strange, stranger than fiction and it is too far out of your comfort zone to be really happy with.

Oh and also RR Martin has released the first chapter of Winds of Winter. The dirty bastard. There's no end to him taunting us. It pisses me off.

Anyways,

I thought I should make a small list of things that changed after marriage, you know, just to keep score. I'd like to check back a month from now and keep monitoring. It should be interesting. So here goes.

• Goodbye lovely long nails. Hello scraggly bits that faintly resemble human nails.
• I can skin and debone a chicken under 5 minutes.
• I watch the occasional non-horror/non-psycho thriller movie and do not complain about it. (Wait, what?!?)
• I get up much earlier than usual (those who know me would know that in my world, getting up at all, let alone getting up early, equals death)
• I don't really care what I look like. Hair looking like something just exploded in there and you are in butt shorts, all dusty and hot, having been cleaning the ceiling fans but have to run to town to get 5 eggs? No problem.
• I am no longer choosy about what I eat. Sprats, spinach, potatoes, fish - I eat it all, not even a whimper. 
• I put up with damp bathrooms full of muddy footsteps. Just a month back, I would have called the fire brigade to hose the place down but now, I just go meh. 
• I go without my morning cup of tea (HUH? :O). After getting up at 5 and preparing office lunches, I literally have no time for tea. Days when I just could NOT wake up without my tea seem a lifetime away. 
• I can cut and deseed a watermelon, conjure up business plans in my head, button my shirt and screw on my earrings at the same time. Multitasking - Nailed it! 

More of this - laters.

So is marriage really for me? I would love to shout out a big, loud, cheerful yes, but a bit of the same old usual reluctant me remains inside looking slightly doubtful. The truth is I don't know, not just yet. It sure isn't easy and it isn't always a bed of roses. But  we do get by. Baby steps. One day at a time. 

So these days I drift through life with the gait of a dreamwalker (which is literally the case because I am up till the wee hours of the morning working on my thesis and in the morning I have to go to work with less than 3 hours of sleep where I sleepwalk through the day all over again. I have no leave. I got married.). The light at the end of the tunnel seems so very far off and frankly, I'm not even sure if there is at least a flashlight at the end of it. 

I long for the day that we can wake up properly and start living once again. This thesis is draining the life out of all of us. But the good thing is, we've got each other's back :)