What lies dormant

This is a post of self-realization, a whole new personal dawn that left me enlightened, thanks to a particular incident that has been boiling for a while which decided to break loose today. This is a post that is an outlet of fears, doubts and revelations (or remainders) that had been dormant within and I had quite forgotten about it.

I'm so very afraid of myself right now, I'm afraid of what I'm capable of in my volcanic anger. The serial killer in me has been nudged awake after so many years of quiet passivity and I remembered why it was that I trained myself rigid and extremely stern self discipline from a very young age. It demands blood and gore the moment it wakes. It demands that its thirst be appeased and it never hesitates to take necessary action to fulfill its horrendous desires. I guess I've always known its potential, the potential of this serial killer within me, even as a child.

I felt it stir today. I felt it yawn and stretch but not fully awaken. And I became afraid.

I'm afraid of what it might do if I lose control. I'm afraid of doing something that I might regret afterwards. Or worse yet, of NOT regretting what I've done.

The last time it was let loose, a person left bleeding, with a couple of broken teeth and badly crushed testicles. And that was several years ago while I was still schooling. After that I learnt to control myself, nobody has seen me at the peak of my anger yet. And I pray that nobody will see me there either.

I'm not used to petty, sneaky, vile tricks, I am just not that kind of person. I do not waste my energy on petty, insignificant stuff. Instead I store it. This is what the killer within me feeds on. It grows strong. I have taught myself to be patient like that.

But then, even my patience has its limits. I have set my patience levels way beyond that of an average person's because I know myself all too well. But that limit too can exceed at times.

I have a sadist in me. And a masochist. I enjoy pain. I enjoy giving and receiving pain. Bitter-sweet and highly addictive, pain is what the killer thrives on.

It seems that I am learning about myself every day. Every discovery or a reminder of what lies dormant amazes me. It scares me sometimes. I have so much yet to learn about myself. I have so many things to remember, so many personalities within me that it's hard to keep track. Why is the human psyche so complex? Why can't we be the one and the same person all our lives? I know that these are questions that shall never be answered.  

At least now I can look at this post and remind myself what lies dormant every now and then. At least now when I look at myself in the mirror I could really see and remind myself what lies beneath this skin, the seemingly harmless face that betrays nothing of the sort. I should not forget. I should never, ever forget that I should not take myself easy and that I should remember this fear that I'm feeling for myself right now. I am afraid. I am so very afraid. I'm afraid of doing something that I might regret.

Or worse yet, NEVER regret what I've done.