Isn't it amazing to what extent that we would go just to avoid pain? Denial of truth. Sometimes its just easier to just avoid the truth than having to face the bitter reality that is a little too real for our tastes.
She wasn't even with us for that long, it was only about two years ago that my mother brought her home, a stray puppy stranded, chewing at a poster on the roadside. She grew up healthy and stout with a rather vivacious appetite but was quite fearful, although she did a hell of a lot of barking at kites, lizards, squirrels and everything else that moved. I have to admit, she was never my favorite, Jeeno having been my super sensitive sweetheart for a considerable amount of time even before she arrived at the household. She wasn't very polite either, she was an utter nuisance sometimes, always getting in our way, always slobbering up all over the place, graceless and her loyalties lied with whoever gave her something to eat, even if it was some random stranger who happened to pass by.
We never got her sterilized because we considered it inhuman to do so. Four months ago she gave birth to six puppies half of whom she killed by sitting on them ( Maybe she thought that she was a hen??) and the other half by starving them to death ( would explain the hen theory cz eggs don't necessarily come and pull, chew and suck at your tits) She just wouldn't let the pups who have barely even opened their eyes come anywhere close to her nipples. Even after we placed them there she would throw them away with her mouth without a second thought. We tried to feed them, under the instructions of our vet but I suppose pups that small just couldn't survive without its mother's milk and care so they died. She was an indifferent mother. She didn't even care.
She had expressionless eyes, yet they were somewhat sad, somewhat fearful. They never sparkled with joy, they never expressed gratitude, they just emanated this eternal state of sorrow which puzzled us because she was a rather active dog, always pestering Jeeno to come out and play, pestering us for something to eat. She was somewhat of a glutton that one. So when she wouldn't eat for three whole days, we got worried. She did take her milk though and a yogurt at every meal so she wasn't exactly starving. Besides, dogs have these purging periods from time to time and we thought it to be normal although, we were hoping to take her to the Vet again if things didn't improve just the morning we found her dead. She never looked sick enough to die.
We have had dogs from even before I was born. We have had several dozens of different shapes, sizes, breeds, sorts, seen them grow up from puppies to adults and then again see them getting buried under the soil after having lived their share of the world several dozen times too. Each time the pain was the same and each time a new K9 member comes in to the family, you promise yourself not to get too attached and to look at them in a detached kind of way, to remind yourself of the ones who had parted and to remind yourself time and time again that this one too shall leave when its time comes. Each time, you promise yourself not to take them in to your heart, that you are not going to shed tears over the inevitable, that after all the things you've been through, you think that you have learnt your lesson and hardened up. But each time with their deaths you have to face that sinking feeling of this gloomy darkness settling upon you, the lead weight of death sitting on you like a huge iron bird hovering above you and pecking away at your brain. No matter how many times you have seen them go, its still the same kind of pain that you feel somewhere deep down. No matter how much you try, death will never be "just" another death. There really are no safety precautions against death, is there?
And now Mother Dearest wants to get a new puppy but I am not so sure. We are tending to three stray puppies and a mother dog that has been left on the lurch in the street outside our house these days. One of the puppies has just been taken in for adoption today, only two remains. We shall be taking care of them for the moment I suppose. I really cannot make up my mind to commit myself to another four legged soul again. They all end up breaking our hearts and leaving us forever. Even if you heal the scars remain. They remind us of all the balls thrown to play fetch, all the times you've held their paws at the vet, all the times you fed them, brushed their coats, being licked at completely unexpected moments, even the times they made you angry............You feel so sorry that you scolded them and all you could do is wish they were alive so that you could have given them a biscuit, a scratch behind their ears, apologize for being too harsh.........................
Why is it that we never learn? Why is it that we turn around and do the same thing, consciously or unconsciously that we promised ourselves not to do, do stupid things like get ourselves emotionally attached to things, people and animals that we know will leave one day, hurting us, wrenching our hearts out, crushing whatever it was left in us to pieces? Nothing is permanent, I know that very well, I have learnt lessons the hard way and I am still learning, but why am I still making the same mistake? Can we love without getting too attached, ready to let go whenever it requires us to do so? Will it hurt less if things are done that way? Why do we have to go and get ourselves diving head first in to deep emotional connections when we KNOW that most of the time, you just cannot trust another not to hurt you? When will we learn? Or am I the incorrigibly and hopelessly pathetic one who has attachment problems that run too deep? I hope not. The problem is, when I fall, I fall too hard, fall too deep and I cannot clamber up so easily. And I usually have no one but myself to blame for being so naive, for being so trusting, for loving, with everything I've got, with nothing to fall back on, thinking that they will live on forever. I really do hope that I have learnt my lessons from past hurts, from past disappointments, past deceptions and worst of all, past deaths of these four legged fur balls that nuzzle up to you and demand a part of your heart which they take with them when they die..................I fall too deep and I never land on my feet. And I've only got myself to blame.
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