Sri Lankan aunties and social conventions

Sri Lankan aunties. Sigh.

It does not matter that you have accomplished much more than they had ever achieved in their 50+ years or what their married with kids daughter/son ever will in their entire lifetime, it does not matter what educational qualifications you have in your bag, it does not matter that you are an internationally published writer whose presence is occasionally required at writing festivals worldwide, it does not matter that you are a sought after professional in your particular field of work, it does not matter that you are earning enough to maintain their family and yours. Hell, I don't think it would even matter if you'd won the friggin' Nobel Peace Prize at some point in your life. None of it matters unless you've gotten married. And had kids.

Yes, I am writing fresh out of a "oh so you aren't still married *condescending look*" experience. Ugh.

I come from that segment of the society when just as you turned 20, your parents start looking for a 'suitable partner in life' (Ah the sheer number of these 'proposed' fellows that I've scared away puts a smile on my face) If you are a girl, you are practically home schooled for the fear of you getting involved with someone 'inappropriate'. I have been a (relatively) good girl all my life. I don't drink, I don't smoke or do drugs. I have a near-perfect academic record and I did not even have a boyfriend till I finished school (not because I was virtuous like that but because I had snobbishly categorized all the boys my age those days as immature and shallow. Which was quite true). Its absurd how good I've been really. But still, I am considered a rebel, the black sheep, the rotten fruit and etc in this particular community. Why? Because at 27 years of age, I am still refusing to get married and play happy families.

I am of the opinion that these aunties should worship me. I've practically been a saint (Ahem. Well, they don't know anything. They don't have to)

I am not a feminist by any degree. I am more of a person who values individual freedom rooting for the freedom of choice, whether you are a man or a woman. Therefore I simply fail to understand why an independent woman (financial and otherwise) cannot choose her own life. It's not that I am boycotting marriage altogether. It's just that now is not the time.

I thoroughly believe that everything depends on the timing. If the timing is wrong, even the most perfect thing can fall to pieces. Marriage in particular is all about the right timing. It's not even about the right person. I have, so far, been lucky (or wise) in love. I have a beautiful relationship going for me right now with a beautiful human being and I have every intention of solidifying this wonderful thing with marriage. But marriage means change and it is quite a huge change at that. And as all change goes, it requires exact timing. So there is no way in hell that I am ruining this beautiful thing with anything less.

I also believe that if it is the right time, if you are in that "I must now settle down and start a family" frame of mind, you can just about marry/settle down with anyone and live with your choice, even if it is the completely wrong choice for you. Which is what most people, if not all, do these days. Sure you will have these occasional qualms and moments of screaming conscience, but you will learn to drown that out by other means - drinking, drugs, other men/women, work, etc being the most popular choices. People are driven to 'just' settling down because they are afraid that they are growing old/lonely/all the others around you are married/settled etc. Which are completely the wrong reasons to get married and settle down btw. With all that as it is, this choice usually ends up leading the people to their own wreck and ruin rather than salvaging them as it should. This is based on observation, purely.

True happiness lies in finding that one person who understands you, all your quirks and anomalies and is happy to be weird, quirky and abnormal with you. At the considerably ripe age of 27, I have come to understand that.  

In fact, here is the big, fat giant clue that you are with the right person - you simply want to become a better person. Why? Because the other person inspires you to do so. Because you want to do this right. If this happens inverse, then you've got yourself a problem.

Ok so back to the topic again.

Looking back, I am quite happy and content with what I've accomplished in life so far. It's a rare thing indeed for a human being to be thus satisfied and I am glad that I am. And throughout all these years, if I've understood anything at all about life, it is that EVERYTHING happens for a very good reason. Even the most crappiest of all experiences, the most burning of all disappointments, even if I felt that I won't survive those incidents at that time. All these have led me to the point that I am today. And I am in a pretty fine place right now. I dare say that I am proud of myself, despite what the aunties say. *A well earned pat on the back*

At the doorstep of another new chapter in my life. I get to conjoin two of my favorite things from tomorrow onward - Writing and food. Quite looking forward to this. So far, I've been blessed. As they say, if you do what you love, you will never work a day in your life.

Not that any of that will matter to the aunties. Not that I care either. After all, it's my conscience that I have to live with, not these aunties that become my bane at funerals, weddings, alms givings and etc.

I swear, they seem to just smell unmarried women!
  

Existential crisis

Bit of a mouthful, yes, But I have these every once in a while. Especially during the cold and flu season when the body is too tired to engage in anything else but the mind is working overtime.

I sometimes wonder why we are here. Surely not just to eat, sleep, work our youth away, get married when the time is right, make children and fall like flies when it's time to go? Are we the background singers to an opera masterpiece happening elsewhere quite unknown to us? Are we the backdrop of this brilliant theater piece and are ironically missing the most important part of the play? Are we the poor soldiers fighting somebody else's war ultimately falling away unnoticed with an illusion of heroism and grandeur? I have this constant feeling that I am missing out on something, something important, perhaps THE most important thing. I sometimes feel that we are all ants. Small, insignificant and quite pathetic.

Not that ants are pathetic. Ants are awesome.

I have been told that I think too much. But how much exactly is "too much"? How do we know when to start or stop thinking? How do we know when or if we should not think at all.

My father has always said that I've always been too old for my age, even as a 5 year old. Well, I do feel old right now.

Not physically though. I respect my body and treat it well. And I dare say that it is at least 10 years younger than it's actual age. What I mean is feeling old mentally. I feel resigned. Disillusioned. Not a fun place to be at all.

And then I wonder, why oh why do I need to maintain this body that is not even mine. The thought process is complex and never ending.    

I'm well past the stage where you feel the constant need to impress. I now do only what pleases me and I do not apologize for being who I am, making the mistakes that I make. If it pleases me to be a baboon tomorrow I will behave like one. I am well past holding grudges or vendettas. I am well past playing games. Life is too short for all that and I think anger, drama and all that pretentious crap are really very childish. Forgive, forget, cherish the moment and move on. Make lots of friends. But when you want to be alone, ditch them all and enjoy time by yourself. Make peace with rivals, incidents in the past, keep no enemies. If you want something, go out and get it. If you don't want something, trash it then and there. Love those who deserve your love unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. People are flawed anyway, but you can't fault them for that. Love because the act of loving makes you happy. There actually is no truer joy than seeing those who you love being happy.

 But then, there are the relationships that define us - parents, lovers, siblings, etc. However much we declare ourselves to be independent, there are certain things that one must do for one's loved ones and those things often weigh heavy on your mind. For example, as a respectable girl coming from a respectable family living in the not-so-respectable contemporary Sri Lankan society, I am required to find a respectable man, marry him, settle down, make healthy children, play happy families and etc. What if I don't want that, at least not right now? Of course you can refuse to do all that but in turn you have to risk breaking the hearts of your parents, lover and etc. Loved ones being my weakest point, there is no way in seven hells I would do that. Why? Because that would make my loved ones sad and that in turn would make me sad. Bloody vicious circle. Bloody emotional blackmail. Bloody weak me.  

And I hear William Blake's sarcy tone going off in my head - "The mind forg'd manacles I hear"

Anyways, I have come to realize that only love and love alone can make a person feel fulfilled. Love in all shapes, forms and nature. And that all sacrifices made in its name are not wasted and this is something I've learned overtime. And no, this ain't no romantic mumbo jumbo, this is true, disillusioned realism right here.

All these may sound like bumper stickers or cheesy social media motivational posts but they actually make sense to me now. Ever felt how good it feels bundling a helpless puppy in your arms and bringing him home knowing he will have food and shelter for the rest of his life? Ever felt how good it feels to help someone in need knowing that his gutter days are over or to be kind to some random stranger, only to see this surprised sense of delight in his face? That is the feeling to aim for.

I think most people just exist just because they were born. And then they turn around and call it living. I think everybody is just searching for a reason to live for and sadly for most, it's making the most amount or money or reaching the pinnacle of power these days. I personally think that what most people call as human greed is really this very human want of a reason to exist. Achieve one financial/power goal, feel that all too familiar restlessness again and move on to the next financial/power goal. I know plenty of people who end up feeling as if they have no reason to live when they no longer have a job. I know people who live for their job, have made their job their entire life. And this has nothing to do with finances mind you. These are people who are comfortably off, who have enough means to live quite opulently even without a job.

In a way, it's a blessing to have such simple needs, to be satiated with something so easily obtained as money, a job or a career. But what if you can no longer be satiated by money, a thriving career, recognition or even knowledge? What if along the way, you've realized (or you think you realized) that all those are child's play and that there is something bigger out there that you are missing out on but you are not really sure of what that is? Then the real problem begins.

You have only two options - (a) Find yourself a challenging career/occupation/engagement, etc and engage in it to such a level that you will forget that anything else outside that exists (b) Continue to search for that missing piece, constantly battling with this sense of deprivation. Of these, the first is almost always the preferred choice.      

Ranted enough methinks, blogging helps clear the head and sometimes it gives answers. Anyways, having a bad cold is not the best of situations. Sensory deprivation is the worst, the loss of sense of smell and taste. Been sneezing my brains off for a good three days now and I am getting quite tired of this now.  

Grumpus mode on.

Thoughts and rambling

Very much sleep deprived. The last few days have been eventful indeed.

The Darling is back! It's actually quite amazing how seeing somebody makes you realize how much you've really missed them. Once again, a big, warm hug is only just a phone call away :)

Being a bit of a loner anyway, I've appreciated the time alone. But being one of the very, very few people that I do not mind having around, his absence has been felt.

I've come to realize that I don't have a diplomatic bone in my body. Even if there was one, I couldn't care less honing it. I am blunt and quite straightforward in my dealings and I know some people find it hard to digest at times. I will never be politically correct and I am okay with that, if not happy. Life is too short to be caring about every Siripala, Mala and Sugathapala's feelings. Sugar coating just isn't my thing. I find it fake and offensive. When I say something, I usually mean it. And I appreciate the same quality in others as well.  It makes life so much more easier if we are all just brutally honest with each other.

I am a non-alcoholic. That is with the exception of that occasional glass of wine. I do not drink for the same reason I don't like to wear sunglasses. I want to see life, the world as it is. I want to be conscious every single minute of the day in order to experience life as it is. Life is too short to be wasting away in a drunken stupor. I know what it is like to get wasted, been there done that as one would say. But I've chosen consciousness over those fleeting moments of floating surreal sense-clouding. It's a conscious decision made by a mature self. And for all those who tell me to "live a little" when I say I don't drink, I would say, I am indeed living, a great deal at that. Besides, I can get high on fresh air, laughter and chocolate biscuits alone and therefore I do not feel the need to pollute and ruin my system with harsh distilleries. My body is, as cliched as it sounds, a temple. I respect it and treat it with care.

Plus, it's more fun watching the drunk people make complete fools of themselves when you are the only sober one in the room. Besides, who else will record their silly, drunken antics, philosophical albeit slurred verbal meanderings and threaten to upload them to youtube all their life?

I don't think I can ever be vegan. Or vegetarian for that matter. I love my food way too much to discriminate. Give up on milk, that gorgeous array of cheese, meat and poultry?  Not happening. Besides, I don't really see the point. I feel that this huge wave of veganism (is that what it's called?) is just a trend and I, by nature despise things, people and concepts that are not genuine. Maybe one fine day if and when I do see any sense of being vegan, I will perhaps, consider. But that one day seems far, faaaaaaaaaaar away at the moment.

If Facebook heroes solved problems, our world would be picture-perfect right now. I prefer people who take actual action, contribute in whatever little way that they can, instead of just prancing around and being keyboard activists by sharing pics of forlorn puppies, famished children or tortured animals. I find it all a little too sadistic (and not in a fun way). I like people who would spend at least a little of their earnings, time and effort for a cause that they believe in. After all, actions do speak much louder than words. Or FB posts for that matter. People who help those who need it the most here and now in whatever small way that they can are golden when compared to the mainstream junkies participating in numerous bucket challenges to support an unheard of cause in the other corner of the earth. Some indulge in blatant wastage of water purely for popularity increasing on social media while others are suffering acutely from the lack of water in the Anuradhapura, Polonnaruwa areas. Such is the frivolity of people here.

For the record, I have even resorted to blocking the posts of such people from my Facebook newsfeed so that I would not have to boil blood every morning as I am forced to stare at half skinned animals and deformed children appearing on my homepage, quite unasked for. All I ask is if you are passionate about a cause, get off your butt and do something about it. If not, please don't bother reclining in your comfortable perch in front of the computer, sharing, posting disturbing images and pretentious crap on your social media profiles. It's degrading. Not to mention downright irritating.  

We are a lazy, bubblegum nation after all. We have a twisted sense of reality and precious little clue about priorities and that's what the problem is methinks.

On a happier note, Phantom of the Opera opens tonight! Got tickets for tomorrow night's show and I can hardly contain myself. Theater up to this point has been a solitary excursion, what with The Darling not sharing my interest in the craft. He has had a particular dislike for musicals. I did not mind of course, since I had always been used to attending these events alone. But it seems that after Jesus Christ Superstar last year, The Darling is a changed man. This year he shares my enthusiasm and had been more than willing to accompany me to see the Phantom. I dare say Jerome has achieved in two and half hours what I have been trying to achieve for the past four years or so! Well, I'm just glad that there is someone to give me CPR in case I had a cardiac arrest from the sheer awesomeness of the show.

I find planning dinners exciting, whether it be a small family dinner or a grand buffet for 30. Heading off to the kitchen quarters in a while and shooing everybody away after they have laid out everything for preparing dinner tonight. I cannot be bothered with the details like washing up and prepping ingredients and I prefer it if someone else does it for me. In a few hours, the kitchen will be my playground to create, experiment and to simply, indulge in the wonderful aromas wafting out of the very cauldrons I steer *thunder clap followed by evil sinister laughing*