Bit of a mouthful, yes, But I have these every once in a while. Especially during the cold and flu season when the body is too tired to engage in anything else but the mind is working overtime.
I sometimes wonder why we are here. Surely not just to eat, sleep, work our youth away, get married when the time is right, make children and fall like flies when it's time to go? Are we the background singers to an opera masterpiece happening elsewhere quite unknown to us? Are we the backdrop of this brilliant theater piece and are ironically missing the most important part of the play? Are we the poor soldiers fighting somebody else's war ultimately falling away unnoticed with an illusion of heroism and grandeur? I have this constant feeling that I am missing out on something, something important, perhaps THE most important thing. I sometimes feel that we are all ants. Small, insignificant and quite pathetic.
Not that ants are pathetic. Ants are awesome.
I have been told that I think too much. But how much exactly is "too much"? How do we know when to start or stop thinking? How do we know when or if we should not think at all.
My father has always said that I've always been too old for my age, even as a 5 year old. Well, I do feel old right now.
Not physically though. I respect my body and treat it well. And I dare say that it is at least 10 years younger than it's actual age. What I mean is feeling old mentally. I feel resigned. Disillusioned. Not a fun place to be at all.
And then I wonder, why oh why do I need to maintain this body that is not even mine. The thought process is complex and never ending.
I'm well past the stage where you feel the constant need to impress. I now do only what pleases me and I do not apologize for being who I am, making the mistakes that I make. If it pleases me to be a baboon tomorrow I will behave like one. I am well past holding grudges or vendettas. I am well past playing games. Life is too short for all that and I think anger, drama and all that pretentious crap are really very childish. Forgive, forget, cherish the moment and move on. Make lots of friends. But when you want to be alone, ditch them all and enjoy time by yourself. Make peace with rivals, incidents in the past, keep no enemies. If you want something, go out and get it. If you don't want something, trash it then and there. Love those who deserve your love unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. People are flawed anyway, but you can't fault them for that. Love because the act of loving makes you happy. There actually is no truer joy than seeing those who you love being happy.
But then, there are the relationships that define us - parents, lovers, siblings, etc. However much we declare ourselves to be independent, there are certain things that one must do for one's loved ones and those things often weigh heavy on your mind. For example, as a respectable girl coming from a respectable family living in the not-so-respectable contemporary Sri Lankan society, I am required to find a respectable man, marry him, settle down, make healthy children, play happy families and etc. What if I don't want that, at least not right now? Of course you can refuse to do all that but in turn you have to risk breaking the hearts of your parents, lover and etc. Loved ones being my weakest point, there is no way in seven hells I would do that. Why? Because that would make my loved ones sad and that in turn would make me sad. Bloody vicious circle. Bloody emotional blackmail. Bloody weak me.
And I hear William Blake's sarcy tone going off in my head - "The mind forg'd manacles I hear"
Anyways, I have come to realize that only love and love alone can make a person feel fulfilled. Love in all shapes, forms and nature. And that all sacrifices made in its name are not wasted and this is something I've learned overtime. And no, this ain't no romantic mumbo jumbo, this is true, disillusioned realism right here.
All these may sound like bumper stickers or cheesy social media motivational posts but they actually make sense to me now. Ever felt how good it feels bundling a helpless puppy in your arms and bringing him home knowing he will have food and shelter for the rest of his life? Ever felt how good it feels to help someone in need knowing that his gutter days are over or to be kind to some random stranger, only to see this surprised sense of delight in his face? That is the feeling to aim for.
I think most people just exist just because they were born. And then they turn around and call it living. I think everybody is just searching for a reason to live for and sadly for most, it's making the most amount or money or reaching the pinnacle of power these days. I personally think that what most people call as human greed is really this very human want of a reason to exist. Achieve one financial/power goal, feel that all too familiar restlessness again and move on to the next financial/power goal. I know plenty of people who end up feeling as if they have no reason to live when they no longer have a job. I know people who live for their job, have made their job their entire life. And this has nothing to do with finances mind you. These are people who are comfortably off, who have enough means to live quite opulently even without a job.
In a way, it's a blessing to have such simple needs, to be satiated with something so easily obtained as money, a job or a career. But what if you can no longer be satiated by money, a thriving career, recognition or even knowledge? What if along the way, you've realized (or you think you realized) that all those are child's play and that there is something bigger out there that you are missing out on but you are not really sure of what that is? Then the real problem begins.
You have only two options - (a) Find yourself a challenging career/occupation/engagement, etc and engage in it to such a level that you will forget that anything else outside that exists (b) Continue to search for that missing piece, constantly battling with this sense of deprivation. Of these, the first is almost always the preferred choice.
Ranted enough methinks, blogging helps clear the head and sometimes it gives answers. Anyways, having a bad cold is not the best of situations. Sensory deprivation is the worst, the loss of sense of smell and taste. Been sneezing my brains off for a good three days now and I am getting quite tired of this now.
Grumpus mode on.
I sometimes wonder why we are here. Surely not just to eat, sleep, work our youth away, get married when the time is right, make children and fall like flies when it's time to go? Are we the background singers to an opera masterpiece happening elsewhere quite unknown to us? Are we the backdrop of this brilliant theater piece and are ironically missing the most important part of the play? Are we the poor soldiers fighting somebody else's war ultimately falling away unnoticed with an illusion of heroism and grandeur? I have this constant feeling that I am missing out on something, something important, perhaps THE most important thing. I sometimes feel that we are all ants. Small, insignificant and quite pathetic.
Not that ants are pathetic. Ants are awesome.
I have been told that I think too much. But how much exactly is "too much"? How do we know when to start or stop thinking? How do we know when or if we should not think at all.
My father has always said that I've always been too old for my age, even as a 5 year old. Well, I do feel old right now.
Not physically though. I respect my body and treat it well. And I dare say that it is at least 10 years younger than it's actual age. What I mean is feeling old mentally. I feel resigned. Disillusioned. Not a fun place to be at all.
And then I wonder, why oh why do I need to maintain this body that is not even mine. The thought process is complex and never ending.
I'm well past the stage where you feel the constant need to impress. I now do only what pleases me and I do not apologize for being who I am, making the mistakes that I make. If it pleases me to be a baboon tomorrow I will behave like one. I am well past holding grudges or vendettas. I am well past playing games. Life is too short for all that and I think anger, drama and all that pretentious crap are really very childish. Forgive, forget, cherish the moment and move on. Make lots of friends. But when you want to be alone, ditch them all and enjoy time by yourself. Make peace with rivals, incidents in the past, keep no enemies. If you want something, go out and get it. If you don't want something, trash it then and there. Love those who deserve your love unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. People are flawed anyway, but you can't fault them for that. Love because the act of loving makes you happy. There actually is no truer joy than seeing those who you love being happy.
But then, there are the relationships that define us - parents, lovers, siblings, etc. However much we declare ourselves to be independent, there are certain things that one must do for one's loved ones and those things often weigh heavy on your mind. For example, as a respectable girl coming from a respectable family living in the not-so-respectable contemporary Sri Lankan society, I am required to find a respectable man, marry him, settle down, make healthy children, play happy families and etc. What if I don't want that, at least not right now? Of course you can refuse to do all that but in turn you have to risk breaking the hearts of your parents, lover and etc. Loved ones being my weakest point, there is no way in seven hells I would do that. Why? Because that would make my loved ones sad and that in turn would make me sad. Bloody vicious circle. Bloody emotional blackmail. Bloody weak me.
And I hear William Blake's sarcy tone going off in my head - "The mind forg'd manacles I hear"
Anyways, I have come to realize that only love and love alone can make a person feel fulfilled. Love in all shapes, forms and nature. And that all sacrifices made in its name are not wasted and this is something I've learned overtime. And no, this ain't no romantic mumbo jumbo, this is true, disillusioned realism right here.
All these may sound like bumper stickers or cheesy social media motivational posts but they actually make sense to me now. Ever felt how good it feels bundling a helpless puppy in your arms and bringing him home knowing he will have food and shelter for the rest of his life? Ever felt how good it feels to help someone in need knowing that his gutter days are over or to be kind to some random stranger, only to see this surprised sense of delight in his face? That is the feeling to aim for.
I think most people just exist just because they were born. And then they turn around and call it living. I think everybody is just searching for a reason to live for and sadly for most, it's making the most amount or money or reaching the pinnacle of power these days. I personally think that what most people call as human greed is really this very human want of a reason to exist. Achieve one financial/power goal, feel that all too familiar restlessness again and move on to the next financial/power goal. I know plenty of people who end up feeling as if they have no reason to live when they no longer have a job. I know people who live for their job, have made their job their entire life. And this has nothing to do with finances mind you. These are people who are comfortably off, who have enough means to live quite opulently even without a job.
In a way, it's a blessing to have such simple needs, to be satiated with something so easily obtained as money, a job or a career. But what if you can no longer be satiated by money, a thriving career, recognition or even knowledge? What if along the way, you've realized (or you think you realized) that all those are child's play and that there is something bigger out there that you are missing out on but you are not really sure of what that is? Then the real problem begins.
You have only two options - (a) Find yourself a challenging career/occupation/engagement, etc and engage in it to such a level that you will forget that anything else outside that exists (b) Continue to search for that missing piece, constantly battling with this sense of deprivation. Of these, the first is almost always the preferred choice.
Ranted enough methinks, blogging helps clear the head and sometimes it gives answers. Anyways, having a bad cold is not the best of situations. Sensory deprivation is the worst, the loss of sense of smell and taste. Been sneezing my brains off for a good three days now and I am getting quite tired of this now.
Grumpus mode on.
3 comments:
Option (b) is not so bad either! especially if you constantly change the way you feel about your career. Ironically you have no control over how you feel or your existence.
Not sure whether I made sense :D
Oh it makes perfect sense :D But option (b) is why I am here in the first place. It's all just so frustrating not really knowing what you are missing out on but having this sense of missing out on something. Career-wise, I'm a bit of a workaholic and I enjoy my work. But I make sure that I don't stick around when it stops being enjoyable. I also make it a point to not make the job my entire life, so career has never been an issue for me. They have always been two different, separate entities altogether. Maybe that's the whole problem :S
Now I'm not too sure if I made any sense :D
This is exactly the same thoughts that have been overruling me for sometime. Glad to know that it's not only me!
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