I'm a huge fan of horror movies, but that does not mean that I am not affected by the stupid decisions that their characters make. Rather, the directors. I do not sympathize with people who die in horror movies. As I am continuously flabbergasted by how horrendously stupid these people are, I consider them to be an insult to humanity and therefore believe that they deserve to die. Yes, I know that people do the most idiotic things imaginable when they panic, but this is just a whole new level of idiocy. So if you ever find yourself in a horror movie, here's a little horror movie survival guide for dummies.
1. When a car is chasing you, the middle of the road is probably not the best place to run along. Run into a building or a narrow alleyway where the car cannot follow you. If there are no buildings, run into the friggin' jungle, climb an effing tree, ANYTHING other than running in the middle of the road for God's sake!
2. One simply does not hide under the bed or between some scanty shelves when a psychopath is chasing you with an axe/machete/chainsaw, etc. One finds a legitimate hiding place or runs for dear life, screeching like a bat out of hell, as fast as your skinny legs in the tightest imaginable skirt can carry you, towards a public place where there are people. If you can't run in the skirt (and the heels), take them off! Being worried about flashing the killer should be the last thing on your mind. Besides, has it ever occurred to you that under the bed just might be the first place that the killer might look? No? It should have.
3. When one hears a sound when one is home alone, one does NOT go and investigate. Run to your room, lock the door and call the police. If it is the Sri Lankan police you might as well call your least favourite neighbour (because by the time the police finds you, you will be very dead and your body will probably be crawling with maggots) Neighbour option works. If your neighbour does not want to come, lure him/her with promises of food/sex or whatever else that rocks his world. At least if they don't manage to chase off the killer, they can still provide as a distraction by getting killed while you make your getaway. (Yes, faced with such dire circumstances, you are allowed to be evil like that)
4. One does not simply run upstairs when one is being chased by a killer where there is no escape route available. One runs out the door and onto the street where there are people. Relatively normal, non-psychopathic people.
5. One does not simply make sounds when one is in hiding. Bite your tongue if you have to but one does not sob out loud when one is inside a closet and there is a crazy killer outside.
6. One does not simply pickup shady looking hitchhikers along lonely roads. If you do, you are just stupid.
7. One does not simply sell one's soul to the devil. Unless you have a soul that not even a Mudalali in Pettah would buy. In which case the devil wouldn't accept yours either (Yes, be sad. Nobody wants you)
8. One does not simply walk into creepy looking abandoned houses. Especially if there are urban legends attached to it. Even if there are no legends attached, you simply do not walk into creepy, abandoned houses at night. Or burned down mental institutions. Or graveyards. Or abandoned hospitals. If you do, that does not mean that you are brave, you are just stupid. But if you are someone like me who does exactly what they are told not to do, try and go exploring during the day when the sun is shining.
9. Do not piss off old ladies. They are evil.
10. Stay away from dolls. Dolls are evil.
11. One does not accommodate static calls. One does not answer, especially if the telephone wire is found to be cut. And one does not hello-fy the phone if all you hear at the other end of the line is heavy breathing.
12. One does not pick up the receiver if a payphone on the road rings just as you pass by. Just don't.
13. Don't go chasing dogs, wayward maidens or even your friends who've suddenly gone crazy into the wilderness. Especially when there is a killer outside, Stay close to shelter and chances are, you will live.
14. If you are with a group of friends, don't split up. Really, why would you? Want to find a missing friend? Go together. Want to hunt or gather firewood? Go together. Want to go to the loo? Even then, go together.
15. You are at the steering wheel of your car, you have the keys, you have your foot on the gas pedal and suddenly, the killer appears at your side door. Why the eff would you just squeal like a girl and cower (as if that's gonna help) instead of flooring it and driving away? (To psychokillers - Do you really have to break the glass? Why the eff won't you try the door first? Cz dumb blondes like that never lock their doors)
16. You are inside your car parked in the woods doing the naughty with your girl (or someone else's girl) Suddenly you hear a sound outside the vehicle. Why the eff do you want to play the hero, get off the vehicle and examine the source of the sound? You ain't Nancy Drew. Or Hardy Boys (Pun very consciously intended). None of your business. Just continue with the naughty. Or just drive away and get a room. Sheesh.
17. Don't play with Ouija boards. Just don't.
18. Don't summon up demons. Unless you can control them *grin*
19. Be the funny black guy in the movie. He never gets killed.
20. Or be the hero. Gets the girl, grows a sexy stubble also at the end of the movie (mamma mia!) and survives the attack (with sexy psychological wounds that can only be healed with plenty of kisses and lots of hanky panky *grin*)
21. Why does the dorkiest guy turn into the sexiest hunk once they turn werewolf? Or vampire. Why???
22. If you are attracted to a shady pale dude with sharp teeth and you have this overwhelming desire for him to suck all your blood, he is probably a vampire. Stay away. Or get turned a vampire and spend eternity with him *swoon* (Btw, place him in sunlight and do the sparkly test first. If he glistens like diamonds, just drop his sparkling ass. He ain't a vampire, he's just a disco ball)
23. If your friend turns into a demon and tries to kill you, he ain't your friend anymore. All the whimpering and puppy dog eyes in the world shouldn't fool you.
24. You don't just shoot a psycho killer once and lay your gun down. Considering the fact that he just murdered your entire family and all those you love. You empty the whole barrel into the bastard, stab him a few times and cut off his head too for good measure. Then you rest, but keep the gun with you please.
25. When a killer is trying to strangle you, you don't resist. Pretend to just die. And lie very, very still till he turns to the next victim.
26. One simply must not bother running away from ghosts. They are ghosts. They will simply appear around the other corner of the road without batting an eyelid whereas you would be sweating bullets with your tongue rolling out the red carpet for them to come right in. Stupid.
27. House moving should always be preceded by a ghost or demon check. Or when hooking up with a new dude/girl. Oh and don't forget the psycho killer check.
28. Taking the path less traveled may not be such a good idea when you are in a horror movie.
29. Always lock the door when in the bathtub. And install a shower stall and make it transparent. Shower curtains are hazardous especially with serial killers around.
30. Be the boring girl/guy without a sense of humour, wearing the sensible clothes. They are usually the ones who survive.
31. Don't piss off women in general. Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned is true. I'm a woman and even I'm creeped out by my clan.
32. Just be nice to everyone at school. You never know who's gonna turn up at your reunion 20 years later and kill everyone who hadn't been nice to them.
33. If you are a descendant of some obscure bloodline with a shady history, don't ever go to the place of origin of your ancestors. Chances are, you will be pulled up for things your great great great (insert as many 'great's here) did thousands of years ago.
34. Don't go camping in remote, obscure places that you've never heard of. Especially if your friends are stupid. If you do, don't piss off the locals. And always listen to the local cop when they tell you not to go somewhere. But never trust the local cop.
35. Think twice before opening up locked doors or boxes that are chained to the teeth. They are kept closed for a reason.
36. If suddenly your phone starts ringing in an unfamiliar ringing tone, do not answer it. Phones are not supposed to do that.
37. Find an unfamiliar VHS tape or a badly edited video of random images? Don't watch it. Why watch it anyway? And if you do happen to watch it and you know you can't stop it, don't run around like a stupid cow and a half trying to stop what is happening, go bungee jumping, sky diving, etc etc. You're gonna die anyway. It's more fun being eaten by sharks than being petrified to death by a foul smelling, girl-like creature with a bad haircut crawling her way out of some obscure well.
38. And why oh why don't y'all lock your doors and windows?? It's like you want to be killed. Take it from the Sri Lankans. Put 5 different types of locks on the doors and windows, put a grill AND an alarm system. That way, if a door opens by itself, you can simply run for the hills qualms-free.
39. If the doorbell rings and you look through the peephole and there is nobody there, do NOT open the door! Do not go out leaving the door open to examine who rang the bell either. Really, how stupid can you get?
Because all this is a little too obvious. I've been on a horror movie marathon recently and idiots exasperate me. Anyways, just needed to rant. It's been a crazy two weeks and I can legitimately state that I am entitled to 10 years of sleep. It was a busy two weeks but an exciting two weeks nevertheless. Still quite pumped up and revved up to go, work can be fun when you are doing what you love best. Bit jittery on the personal front but I'm sure that should mend itself soon enough. It always does. I'm optimistic. Life excites me in general but at times, it gets me down. Ups and downs, all in a day's work I guess.
1. When a car is chasing you, the middle of the road is probably not the best place to run along. Run into a building or a narrow alleyway where the car cannot follow you. If there are no buildings, run into the friggin' jungle, climb an effing tree, ANYTHING other than running in the middle of the road for God's sake!
2. One simply does not hide under the bed or between some scanty shelves when a psychopath is chasing you with an axe/machete/chainsaw, etc. One finds a legitimate hiding place or runs for dear life, screeching like a bat out of hell, as fast as your skinny legs in the tightest imaginable skirt can carry you, towards a public place where there are people. If you can't run in the skirt (and the heels), take them off! Being worried about flashing the killer should be the last thing on your mind. Besides, has it ever occurred to you that under the bed just might be the first place that the killer might look? No? It should have.
3. When one hears a sound when one is home alone, one does NOT go and investigate. Run to your room, lock the door and call the police. If it is the Sri Lankan police you might as well call your least favourite neighbour (because by the time the police finds you, you will be very dead and your body will probably be crawling with maggots) Neighbour option works. If your neighbour does not want to come, lure him/her with promises of food/sex or whatever else that rocks his world. At least if they don't manage to chase off the killer, they can still provide as a distraction by getting killed while you make your getaway. (Yes, faced with such dire circumstances, you are allowed to be evil like that)
4. One does not simply run upstairs when one is being chased by a killer where there is no escape route available. One runs out the door and onto the street where there are people. Relatively normal, non-psychopathic people.
5. One does not simply make sounds when one is in hiding. Bite your tongue if you have to but one does not sob out loud when one is inside a closet and there is a crazy killer outside.
6. One does not simply pickup shady looking hitchhikers along lonely roads. If you do, you are just stupid.
7. One does not simply sell one's soul to the devil. Unless you have a soul that not even a Mudalali in Pettah would buy. In which case the devil wouldn't accept yours either (Yes, be sad. Nobody wants you)
8. One does not simply walk into creepy looking abandoned houses. Especially if there are urban legends attached to it. Even if there are no legends attached, you simply do not walk into creepy, abandoned houses at night. Or burned down mental institutions. Or graveyards. Or abandoned hospitals. If you do, that does not mean that you are brave, you are just stupid. But if you are someone like me who does exactly what they are told not to do, try and go exploring during the day when the sun is shining.
9. Do not piss off old ladies. They are evil.
10. Stay away from dolls. Dolls are evil.
11. One does not accommodate static calls. One does not answer, especially if the telephone wire is found to be cut. And one does not hello-fy the phone if all you hear at the other end of the line is heavy breathing.
12. One does not pick up the receiver if a payphone on the road rings just as you pass by. Just don't.
13. Don't go chasing dogs, wayward maidens or even your friends who've suddenly gone crazy into the wilderness. Especially when there is a killer outside, Stay close to shelter and chances are, you will live.
14. If you are with a group of friends, don't split up. Really, why would you? Want to find a missing friend? Go together. Want to hunt or gather firewood? Go together. Want to go to the loo? Even then, go together.
15. You are at the steering wheel of your car, you have the keys, you have your foot on the gas pedal and suddenly, the killer appears at your side door. Why the eff would you just squeal like a girl and cower (as if that's gonna help) instead of flooring it and driving away? (To psychokillers - Do you really have to break the glass? Why the eff won't you try the door first? Cz dumb blondes like that never lock their doors)
16. You are inside your car parked in the woods doing the naughty with your girl (or someone else's girl) Suddenly you hear a sound outside the vehicle. Why the eff do you want to play the hero, get off the vehicle and examine the source of the sound? You ain't Nancy Drew. Or Hardy Boys (Pun very consciously intended). None of your business. Just continue with the naughty. Or just drive away and get a room. Sheesh.
17. Don't play with Ouija boards. Just don't.
18. Don't summon up demons. Unless you can control them *grin*
19. Be the funny black guy in the movie. He never gets killed.
20. Or be the hero. Gets the girl, grows a sexy stubble also at the end of the movie (mamma mia!) and survives the attack (with sexy psychological wounds that can only be healed with plenty of kisses and lots of hanky panky *grin*)
21. Why does the dorkiest guy turn into the sexiest hunk once they turn werewolf? Or vampire. Why???
22. If you are attracted to a shady pale dude with sharp teeth and you have this overwhelming desire for him to suck all your blood, he is probably a vampire. Stay away. Or get turned a vampire and spend eternity with him *swoon* (Btw, place him in sunlight and do the sparkly test first. If he glistens like diamonds, just drop his sparkling ass. He ain't a vampire, he's just a disco ball)
23. If your friend turns into a demon and tries to kill you, he ain't your friend anymore. All the whimpering and puppy dog eyes in the world shouldn't fool you.
24. You don't just shoot a psycho killer once and lay your gun down. Considering the fact that he just murdered your entire family and all those you love. You empty the whole barrel into the bastard, stab him a few times and cut off his head too for good measure. Then you rest, but keep the gun with you please.
25. When a killer is trying to strangle you, you don't resist. Pretend to just die. And lie very, very still till he turns to the next victim.
26. One simply must not bother running away from ghosts. They are ghosts. They will simply appear around the other corner of the road without batting an eyelid whereas you would be sweating bullets with your tongue rolling out the red carpet for them to come right in. Stupid.
27. House moving should always be preceded by a ghost or demon check. Or when hooking up with a new dude/girl. Oh and don't forget the psycho killer check.
28. Taking the path less traveled may not be such a good idea when you are in a horror movie.
29. Always lock the door when in the bathtub. And install a shower stall and make it transparent. Shower curtains are hazardous especially with serial killers around.
30. Be the boring girl/guy without a sense of humour, wearing the sensible clothes. They are usually the ones who survive.
31. Don't piss off women in general. Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned is true. I'm a woman and even I'm creeped out by my clan.
32. Just be nice to everyone at school. You never know who's gonna turn up at your reunion 20 years later and kill everyone who hadn't been nice to them.
33. If you are a descendant of some obscure bloodline with a shady history, don't ever go to the place of origin of your ancestors. Chances are, you will be pulled up for things your great great great (insert as many 'great's here) did thousands of years ago.
34. Don't go camping in remote, obscure places that you've never heard of. Especially if your friends are stupid. If you do, don't piss off the locals. And always listen to the local cop when they tell you not to go somewhere. But never trust the local cop.
35. Think twice before opening up locked doors or boxes that are chained to the teeth. They are kept closed for a reason.
36. If suddenly your phone starts ringing in an unfamiliar ringing tone, do not answer it. Phones are not supposed to do that.
37. Find an unfamiliar VHS tape or a badly edited video of random images? Don't watch it. Why watch it anyway? And if you do happen to watch it and you know you can't stop it, don't run around like a stupid cow and a half trying to stop what is happening, go bungee jumping, sky diving, etc etc. You're gonna die anyway. It's more fun being eaten by sharks than being petrified to death by a foul smelling, girl-like creature with a bad haircut crawling her way out of some obscure well.
38. And why oh why don't y'all lock your doors and windows?? It's like you want to be killed. Take it from the Sri Lankans. Put 5 different types of locks on the doors and windows, put a grill AND an alarm system. That way, if a door opens by itself, you can simply run for the hills qualms-free.
39. If the doorbell rings and you look through the peephole and there is nobody there, do NOT open the door! Do not go out leaving the door open to examine who rang the bell either. Really, how stupid can you get?
Because all this is a little too obvious. I've been on a horror movie marathon recently and idiots exasperate me. Anyways, just needed to rant. It's been a crazy two weeks and I can legitimately state that I am entitled to 10 years of sleep. It was a busy two weeks but an exciting two weeks nevertheless. Still quite pumped up and revved up to go, work can be fun when you are doing what you love best. Bit jittery on the personal front but I'm sure that should mend itself soon enough. It always does. I'm optimistic. Life excites me in general but at times, it gets me down. Ups and downs, all in a day's work I guess.
2 comments:
You DO seem to have watched a lot of horror films!
Nice post :)
Oh I do *grin* Btw, if you have any suggestions for any good ones to watch, please do share.
And thank you. Glad you liked it :)
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