Conventions and social hypocrisy

Feeling rather sad.Not grouchy,just sad.

I've always been misunderstood.Partly due to my tube light-like disposition which comes up once in a while and the occasional misanthropic nature which gives people the impression of pride.But by now,I've come to terms with being misunderstood and eventually learnt not to give a rat's ass about the people who could not bother to know me better before forming a judgement.

The worst part in being misunderstood is being misunderstood by people who are SUPPOSED to know you better.Which makes me question,have THEY bothered to understand you at all? Talk about the epicness of the irony here.

It's just funny how some people claim to be the epitomes of unconventionality,preach about not conforming,laughing at people who follow the trends and all that jazz,but end up expecting others around them to obey and conform to the so called norms and conventions forged by social hypocrites,made to imprison free thinking and free will of the human kind.

I have always been a loner.I guess it's always easier not to conform and be the silent rebel that you want to be if you are a loner.People tend to leave you alone that way.But then God went and made human beings social creatures.Therefore it was necessary to form bonds which makes it harder for you not to conform.Because ultimately,the people that you have formed affectionate bonds with over time expect you to do so and when you don't, their feelings get hurt.Which most of us don't want to risk.

Which brings me to the issue of the all important "reputation" and the oh-so-significant "shaming my name" theory.My question is,if you call yourself a free thinking,unconventional individual,what exactly do you mean by a "reputation"? People I know have even sacrificed and have been willing to sacrifice things that are "supposed to" matter to them the most,they have even given up on people who have trusted them with their lives,loved them with all they've got just because they are "ashamed" to be seen in public with those people in fear of tarnishing their "reputation".So IS this "reputation" or this "image" so very important that one can even give up on somebody who loved them with all their beings and this "unconventional" person him/herself has declared undying love for them sometime back.Or does it simply prove that love for them is just a worthless aspect in their lives which they practice only when it pleases them and that love is not even a worthy competitor for this "image" of theirs? And here I go ranting about love and I'm starting to sound like an idiot already.

One day we shall all be like those Rhinoceros of Ionesco's.All grey skinned with a horn in the middle of the forehead.But will I be able to stand up like Berenger and proudly state "Je ne capitule pas!" at the top of my voice when all around me have conformed and are clawing at me to do so too? I highly doubt it.There goes my one moment of glory.

Sometimes I wish I did not have to associate with human beings at all.They are just so cruel sometimes and just so bizarre.Sometimes I wish that I could live in the middle of a pine forest,or in a small cosy cottage on a secluded beach with my own army of dogs who will keep me company and not expect me to conform.I shall spin out poetry night and day and stare up at the stars at night.I shall fall asleep to the sound of the sea or the night wind whispering among the pine trees.

But then I'm a woman who due to the inferiority of physical strength, is taken for being a weakling and is walked all over,trampled down and kept at my "limits".So I shall probably be robbed,raped and murdered at my own cosy cabin in the middle of the pine forest.And I shall forever be known as the crazy woman who got murdered because she was mad enough to live where it pleased her all by herself.And nobody would even care enough to investigate in to the matter.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be a man and to be able to talk to anyone I please and to be able to hold an enlightening conversation with someone without anybody jumping in to outrageous conclusions.Because it's considered "improper" for a nicely brought up young girl to talk to somebody of the opposite sex that you know from somewhere out of courtesy, its considered absolutely horrendous,unspeakably shameful to hug/touch a member of the opposite sex unless they are your immediate family,its considered a scandal to have a good laugh with your male friends.What happens if I became a bisexual?Will I be banned from human company altogether then? Bat shit indeed.

And then there's talk that mini skirts are going to be banned in SL.Words of a very graphic nature have lodged themselves at the end of my tongue and are just screaming to be spat out.But I prefer to hold my peace, at least for now.Oh horror!!A woman's exposed legs are the ultimate weapon of destruction that threatens national security and will blow up our little tropical island to pieces!!! Oh no!!! Horrific water balloons indeed! Really! Is Sri Lanka blissfully heading towards a Taliban rule on the frills of a flowery mini skirt? Bloody hypocritical puritans!

Like I said,human beings...Weird creatures.Which is why I prefer solitude.One quizzical,bizarre human being( by which I refer to myself of course whose mood swings and rather odd ways sometimes even leaves me hanging) is hard enough to deal with let alone a whole country of them.I shall try not to trouble my little head with the unneccessary and lead my life in peace and quiet which is all I crave for at the moment.