Dinner parties

I hate these mass dinner parties.

On another hand,you come across many types of fascinating specimen which in turn will keep you well entertained and occupied during the whole of the event.which of course is a very good thing.

First of all you get the nosy,loud lot.They come in like screeching banshees,yelling greetings at the top of their lungs,their humongous boobs ahoy that threaten to engulf you if you're not careful,rush out to hug you,slobber all over and smear your face with their bright colored lipsticks. Next is the scrutinizing stares. They look you up and down,brows furrowed with concentration,their mouths rolling words in their mouths,getting ready for the strings of observations that follow their scrutinizing gaze.And then the exclamations begin. 'My! How you've gone down child! You look like one of those Ethiopian children that they show on Discovery! Doesn't your mother feed you men?Anee Sumana,look at this child will you men! Used to be like a ball noh?Now look the size!Stick insect only!" or "My! What have you been  snacking on? You look like a blue whale men! Come,come,not to worry,I've heard green tea helps.How to get a good boy to come and marry you looking like this?Boys these days like skinny girls noh.Not like those days when my boobies got the boys talking*giggle*" Or "My! Looking all pretty now aren't we?Grown fair also.What you using men?I used curd and turmeric the other day like they said on TV and got a nasty rash on my face men.Been to the salon noh?Got a facial?" Or its "Aiyoo,how dark you've grown child! Used to be such a pretty little thing when she was small.Now see will you...Aiyooo...". Or simply its "My! How you've grown! Look how tall now! I remember when she wore only nappies and went crawling around the house pee peeing all over the place.Pee peed on my lap also *giggle,giggle,snort* and leaves you wanting to choke on your own tongue and die.

And then if you're lucky,they will forget all about you amongst their arguments over whether the house had been repainted or not,how Mr Nakandala next door had been sneaking around behind his wife's back with a mistress who is only half his age and how his wife had sued the shirt off his back and how now his young mistress has abandoned him and parades around with another man.Really,the place is like the TMZ of everyday life.

And then there's the wanna-get-you-married-off-to-someone lot.."So,so when's the wedding ah?"*wink,wink,eye brow wriggle* As I look around puzzled wondering what wedding they are talking about,I'm once again bombarded with questions of what he( who?* quizzical look*) does for a living,his parent's(whose?*quizzical look*)occupations are,hometown,school,whether his grand parents(whose?*quizzical look*) were original descendants of so and so's and ultimately comes back again to more winking,eye brow wriggling and sly when's the wedding wink winks,as you wonder how they've got to know and(look of grand enlightenment) when finally it dawns on you that somebody might have blabbed.Its   extremely difficult to escape this frantic lot and the best thing to do is smile and look down shyly up until the interrogating ends and they have arrived at their own conclusions about what color the wedding dress should be,who the bridesmaids should be and whom to order flower arrangements from.

And then comes the proposal mongers."Aiyoo,my sister's son still single no men.Girls waiting in line for him also,handsome fellow with a good job noh,good money also,but doesn't like anyone noh,aiyoo.Relatives of (throws around some very influential names in the political arena) so and so also  Met this one(nods at my direction) at Yashi's wedding last year and still talks about her very fondly men.This one(nods at my direction)good height also for him.That one(nods at the direction of her absent-on-spot nephew)six footer noh.But this one(nods at my direction again) went and found one all by herself.Don't know which way these kids are going these days men..sigh..." and I duck the semi hostile glances and retreat in to a cosy corner all by myself where I wont be accused of anything else.

And then there are the gentlemen.They would sit apart from the ladies,sipping a beer/vodka/whiskey/etc and do their own small talk,once in a while nodding in the general direction of the ladies, acknowledging their presence,in the midst of talks raging from the stock market,to the socio-political situation of the country,the tea market,the cricket world cup to who is getting married to whom and who;s cheating on whom.For all those who thought that men don't gossip,they do.And they do it better than the ladies mind you.

Then there are the mummies.They would run behind their toddlers/kids/fully grown children the whole evening,telling them to mind this,take care of that,not to go here,stay there,asking them if they are hungry/thirsty.if they want to pee,etc.What amazed me is the amount of vigil they have over their kids and everything else.It really does seem like they have a hundred pair of eyes to mind their own food plate,the pranks that their multiple children are up to,to see if their servant girl is flirting with the servant boy from next door and to make sure that the husband doesn't drink too much while also making sure to join in the small talk of the ladies and to notice what everyone else is wearing.Omniscient I would say.

And then there is the generous,gentle host who is hell bent of stuffing the hell out of you,urging you to take second,third and fourth helpings when you can barely breath.But then,that's pure motherly love over there.

And then there is the quiet lot,like myself who would sit and observe,nodding at a comment here,laughing at a joke there,speaking when we are spoken to but all the time fully alert to the surroundings,making observations,taking notes.Coz life really is interesting with a fascinating combo of people of different genres,tastes and life styles.

Finally escaped the havoc and mayhem and managed to arrive home.It's like walking in a mine field really coz you never know when you will step on a land mine and when something will explode in your face,showering you with exclamations,hugs,snotty kisses and the like.