Sunday, March 13, 2011

Security guard crisis

The Sri Lankan security guard needs to have their job descriptions figured out.I mean,seriously,some of them don't even know whether they are coming or going(let alone standing or sleeping or actually doing the job)

Most of the time they just stand around gazing starry eyed at protruding female rear ends(never mind the kinky security guard fantasies crossing their minds while they do so) as the voluptuous ladies bend down to pick up rice packs,coconuts,baby diapers,etc.Well,I don't really blame the guards because occasionally I myself,being totally and completely straight with no lesbian or bisexual tendencies what-so-ever (none that I've discovered yet anyway) find myself starring at these royally intimidating butts and cleavages that lightly resemble the Grand Canyon, in pure stupefaction (let's face it,some times it's not like you have a CHOICE as they come along and decide to stick their mammoth-sized backsides and boobs in your face as you're busy wrestling with milk cartons and all) Anyways I just don't think that booty and boob starring is an actual part of their job descriptions(yeah,boo-hoo guys)

The life and tales of the security guards at our local Cargills food city are rather fascinating (these ones are particularly messed up) They open and close doors for customers of their choice.A customer might come with shopping bags hanging from mouth,neck,elbow and every limb of his body and the guard will still choose to merely look on without the slightest effort to open the door for him(let alone carry the bags to his car).They issue tokens for customer baggage and look after them(ermmm...isn't it supposed to be the other way round??) and stand there looking pretty in their guard uniforms while customer vehicles horn and honk themselves to sheer deafness(let me tell you,these people are blessed with blissful deafness and the ability to hear only what they choose to hear) reverse in to lamp posts and murder each other over parking spaces( I believe that parking lot management is a local security guard's duty,yes?)

Whereas the local Arpico Super Center security is super helpful.They do an incredible job in parking lot management,security services and the like.Everything is well organized,proof of effective delegation.Even the staff is very friendly and helpful.Bless their souls.

Recently I bore witness to a rather animated photo shoot in front of a certain Bank where a security guard was putting on quite a show,a display of rather curious positions - fire arm to his side,on his head,over his head,sitting-leaning on fire arm-head turned at dramatic angle,hands on hip-chest thrust out(I could almost imagine the flying cape behind him.Super mannnnn!!!) to see his fellow guard capturing these titillating,thought-provoking moments on the camera of his mobile phone(his next FB profile pic you think)Anyways,never mind.Being a security guard is a boring ol job.And when you do get bored eventually,you do weird stuff.Totally understandable.

I just think that the country needs more crooks in the society(and not be sent across the Diyawanna Oya to make laws and run the country) so that security guards can operate effectively withing their job descriptions so that they'l never have to open doors,look after customer luggage or conduct photo sessions to amuse themselves while they wait.Never mind the fact that their FB and Myspace profiles will suffer from loneliness while they are busy playing cops and robbers within their respective instituitions.Better than posing for Super Man anyway noh? :)

Well,I'm eating pineapple(yes it's well past midnight) and blogging.I'm sure it all sounds so exotic and oh-so-luxurious but trust me,it's not.I have two monolithic assignments which sends me off to sleep every time I think of em and I think I blog to avoid work.Oh well....sigh............ :(

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