Thursday, March 24, 2011

Too much of a dreamer for my own good?

Feeling a bit off-ish today.I sometimes wish my life was simpler.But then,I've always BELIEVED that my life is simple,but it used to be more simple than this.I hate complexities.

I used to have a simple life back then.Back then, the biggest worry in my life was whether or not I will pass a certain test so that Daddy Dearest will get me that fancy flashlight(yes,I've always wanted weird things) that he promised.And the heaviest chore that I had to carry out was cleaning up dog poop(because Mother Dearest was absolutely furious about me bringing stray dogs home and I had to do everything right from bathing,tending to their wounds and cleaning up their poop).I kept out of everybody's way and was easily entertained with a book or a newspaper erected in front of my face,reading the days away.Nobody even knew that I was there.They had to dig me up from among piles of books and paper scribblings at meal times.

I'm a hopeless romantic and I do have pretty idolized definitions of what love should be(guilty as charged) and I want to keep them that way.Love gives hope and spreads warmth in your soul,it should offer you solace,a sort of reassurance when things get tough.It should be unselfish,never proud,arrogant nor egoistic.I've always believed in an all consuming,overwhelming,cant-live-without,cant-breath-without sort of love.I still do and I still cling on to that idea,like a child clings on to it's favorite blanky,as if it's life depended on it.Because that is what I want for myself,that is what I need to live,to feel alive.I have always believed that love is all about loving the good,the bad and also the ugly about the person you love,no matter how silly,how stupid and unreasonable they may act sometimes.That is the sort of love that I've believed in,the kind of love that I hold sacred in my heart to this very day.That is what makes me happy,knowing that I shall always have love to fall back on no matter what it was that crawled up on me.Because the world is a nasty place,downright evil and you need atleast one pure,sacred thing that you cherish above all other things to hold on to.You need something to believe in,something to place your trust on(other than yourself),a sort of a hope,a reason to get up each morning as you go on.If I cannot have that,I'd rather have nothing at all than settle for less.I shall not be any part of contaminating something so pure and sacred(according to my beliefs) And yes,that's how hopelessly romantic I am.

But then I have always been very much comfortable alone.I cherish my moments of solitude(even to this very day) and I'm so very happy when I'm alone.I have grown up alone,managed things all by myself,NEVER depended on anyone or anything to do my things for me,always preferred to sleep alone and mind my own business even as a child of barely six years.According to my parents,I became independent at a very young age,practical,logical,no nonsense.And not at all the type to take bull crap from any living (or soon to be dead) creature(I used to beat up kids who used to create trouble at Kindergarten).Which is why I think Daddy Dearest has such huge faith in me(which I love him so very much for) that I will always make my way through whatever crap life decided to fling at me.But when it comes to love,I guess I'm just a hopeless basket case.

I feel sorry for myself sometimes,for being this naive.I want to kick myself sometimes for being so very hopeless.Of course I should know better,of course it's a materialist,convenience-based society out there and it has absolutely no place for my dreams.But I am a dreamer and I shall always be that.No doubt about it.Or maybe I just need to grow up.Sigh.........

One assignment down (Hail Google!!) one more to go.And I find myself wondering;why do I find it extremely hard to open up the first page of an assignment related book and start to read? Why is it that it is always the first paragraph of the assignment that is the hardest to commence? Sigh..............

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