My life is by no means perfect. It just has its perfect moments that makes me realize that life is indeed worth living a thousand times and more. There are moments too that I question the value of life, if all this pain, the suffering, the effort that we take just to barely survive is worth it. And each time I think things over and come to a conclusion whether life is indeed worth living or not, it just turns around and proves me wrong, every bloody time.
And I ask myself, when will I ever get a proper answer to my question? Every time a disappointment occurs and I am resolved to let things go and let life follow its course, something good happens and make me want to try harder at it, be the best that I can be, knowing that I am accepted, understood and loved. And when I'm convinced that life is one big carnival and I'm ready to really try my best, it turns around and proves to me that nothing is really worth it and all that it will ever do is hurt me anyway, slowly leading me down towards my emotional and physical doom. When does this god-damned vicious circle end? Will we ever get the answers that we seek? Is there no knowing where this bloody vacillation meter of misery and joy will stop at? Life would be a lot easier if we knew whether our lives are going to be happy or miserable before hand.
I know I do not have grouching rights to life, I know that worse things happen to people and all some people encounter in their lives are hardships and nothing more. But I suppose in a way that is better. Because you get used to all the shit that you keep trodding on and you learn to toughen up. You learn to never let your guards down and you learn never to let anyone or anything in under your skin because you know for certain that they will only crush you to a pulp in the end. You never get hurt or disappointed because there are no nasty surprises waiting for you in the end because you are prepared for the worse anyway. And if you are really convinced that life doesn't deserve the likes of you to grace its puny existence, there's always the choice of leaving it, although some consider it a cowardly act.
As macabre and depressing as it sounds, I've always thought of death as an almost euphoric occurrence. It has always been for me the ultimate means of liberating oneself, the ultimate synonym for freedom and new beginnings and I've often wondered how it would feel like to feel nothing, to know nothing and to fade away in to nothingness. Must be really something to experience after a whole life time of feeling way too much than you ever wanted or intended to, of suffering as much mentally and physically, a life time of expectations and disappointments, trying to please others and suffering through a life time of hate and misunderstanding at the slightest mistake. I've never been afraid of death. Its a wonderful ending to a life time of pain, shocks and starters, excitement, those moments of relief that you call as 'happiness' when suffering ceases to be. Happiness is when you get all excited about an illusion that you trick yourself in to forgetting the suffering that still exists in the world. It ends when this beautiful illusion ceases to be and the truth hits you with full force in your face.
Whereas settling in to happiness and being vulnerable does not work at all if it all ends in misery. You let your guards down, shed all your priced turtle shells and just lie there as if telling the world to come prick pins in your exposed body, to make you bleed and suffer, having no cover nor any sort of layer to protect you. Being overtly sensitive is two fold, I did not ask for it, it was given to me, by force. While it is an incredible blessing, it is also an inescapable curse. But in order to gain something you have to lose something I've heard. But I never imagined that I would have to barter my soul for a sensitivity that can either make or break me in the end.
But one should not be afraid to dream. Because there is living proof that they do come true if you dream hard enough. I just wish that one could dream of complete and utter happiness that could never be tarnished by a mortal or immortal hand, so that it could come true, if not in this life, perhaps in another life. Dreaming gives us that happy feeling that we so crave for even if it is just for a little while. But really, is it really worthwhile to waste our precious dreams over this illusion of a happiness that takes flight at the slightest chance it gets? Is it really worth our time, our precious emotions and feelings if something is just waiting for a chance, an excuse, a bout of self-pity perhaps to make us feel bad, flee and seek someone else's comfort and company? Happiness is fickle. Yet dreams are faithful. Happiness promises you the world, the moon, the stars and the entire universe but you know deep down, and it has been proven to you so many times too, that all those situations, conditions and promises are subject to change. Whereas dreams, you know they are not real. They promise you nothing, is honest and tells you that they are changeable and yet, it turns out, they give you more than you ever expected out of them. And dreams keeps you happy while you are dreaming. But, MY dreams have this wonderful way of coming true for me somehow. That is why I consider myself blessed. And I am hoping that my luck will last, not abandon me in the lurch like that fickle happiness takes pleasure in doing so most of the time. Yet, I am blessed. And I take pleasure in that. Not most people are as lucky as I am. And I am grateful, for everything in my life :)
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