Bye bye 2014! You've been a good sport :)

Sunny climes are back again! Sweat trickling down the back, crazy frizzy hair and burning, scorching sun, oh how I've missed these!

Christmas came and went but the celebrations still continue. It is the season of burnt, cut and blistered fingers, aching joints and painfully broken nails but radiant smiles on faces. With the habitual Christmas dinner on the 25th at my place and the multitude of parties that precede and follow, the atmosphere itself is still charged with a certain restlessness, reminiscent of so many happy childhood memories. One day, I want to create such wonderful memories for my children, for them to feel the beauty that surrounds, to teach them to share what they have, just as my parents had done for me. I feel grateful, for being able to feel how I feel, to be able to conjure up beauty in the ugliest of situations and I hope one day, that I will succeed as a parent, to do the same for my own offspring.

I want to raise my children on tasteful music, hardcore literature and stark reality, none of that High School Musical crap for them. I want my children to know how to love and to live their lives in a way that makes sense. I want them to know the difference between the good and the bad. I want to teach them how to feel, how to reach out and help and most importantly, how to empathise. I want to create in them all that is grossly lacking in this world right now.

I have so many plans and expectations of my unborn kids that I almost feel sorry for them.

It's been a great year, one of my favourite years so far. It was a year of new beginnings, revelations, eye openers and disillusionment. I believe I emerged out of it all, a little bit wisened than I was before. I took some of the most important decisions I've taken in my life during the last few months and many more await in the horizon. Breaking away from what weighed me down professionally as well as personally has been a liberating experience that words cannot even begin to explain. I've always been fond of letting go. I am addicted to that sense of complete freedom and euphoria that follows, that infinite world of possibilities that open up immediately afterwards. I'm a letting go junkie.

The plan was to do one thing but when fate intervenes, one has to obey. But in order to do so, one has to look for the signs. Travel plans had to be cancelled, but hell, Europe can wait, South Africa and Indonesia can wait, universe had grander plans for me that simply could not wait. Today I am happy that I seized the moment when it barged right into me, yelling right at my face to grab it and grab it tight. Rather, the opportunity seized me and shook me till I came to my senses. And I am happy that I, like the obedient girl that I am (ahem) indulged. As a result, I am doing what I love today, spending more time with people and animals that I care about like I've always wanted to. This is proof that fate has never let me down, not even once.

But then, there are some decisions that fate dictates which depend on outside factors. For those, having done all that I can, it is up to the concerning parties to interpret the universe's hints and take relevant action. I am glad that I've achieved the maturity to understand that and simply, wait. I've also learnt to move on, having given such things a fair enough amount of time. After all, life only gives chances and grabbing or not grabbing them is entirely a matter of choice. And one cannot simply, wait forever.

I follow my heart wherever it would go. That is excepting cases which involve people that I care about who in turn care about me. There had been instances where I've doubted my decisions and regretted that the circumstances had not been so, and my heart had wept for the decisions I could not make. But the reward for the sacrifices I've made compromising my own happiness had truly been worth it. Today, I regret nothing as I rejoice in the happiness of those I care about. However, I waste no time on those who do not care about me. All the more love to go around for those who give a damn!

Whatever said and done, I've also learnt that it is not wise to place your happiness in the hands of others, whatever bonds that may prevail, whatever promises that may have been made. The past has taught me abundantly to prepare to be hurt, but give all of myself, do all that I can but with a certain sense of detachment which does not allow me to expect anything in return. Others will not be as careful of your feelings as you yourself will be, however close they may be, however you may have given yourself to them. It's not something they can help, humans are not made to read other people's thoughts and to know what hurts them and what does not. One must understand that and empathize. As Lord Buddha himself had preached, in the end all that matters is how much you loved, how gently you've lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you. And I try. It is not easy, mind. Whatever said and done, you do tend to expect just that little bit of extra love and care in return. After all, you are only very much human. But I believe I can get there, step by tiny step.

2015 is a year of promise. It is a year of new beginnings and the continuation of old ones, all very positive. One goal is to finish the novel by the end of 2015, how this is to be done, I still have not figured. I am aware that while making a living for myself is important, it is also important to create something for myself, something that belongs only to me and no one else. That is how I balance this universal predicament of having to work towards someone else's dream. I make the time to work on my own. The ego is appeased that way, dignity is intact.

I want to read all the books in the world, all at the same time! Sometimes, I want to just shut myself in a room and just read and write. Is there something wrong with me? I do wonder sometimes.

I do not make resolutions for the new year. Because for me, every day is a chance to start anew. One needs not wait 365 days to turn their lives around. So no resolutions for 2015 as well. Instead I shall ride with my heart, just as I've always done.

Not even funny how fast the time flew by! 2014 ends in a few hours and 2015 dawns. And here comes the throttling hugs, the snotty kisses and awkward boob rubs from perfect strangers that seems to be something that you simply cannot avoid no matter what year it is. I shall stick to my guns as usual this year as well. Hugs are for those who mean something to me, people I care about. Others will have to make do with a handshake.

The Horror Movie Survival Guide

I'm a huge fan of horror movies, but that does not mean that I am not affected by the stupid decisions that their characters make. Rather, the directors. I do not sympathize with people who die in horror movies. As I am continuously flabbergasted by how horrendously stupid these people are, I consider them to be an insult to humanity and therefore believe that they deserve to die. Yes, I know that people do the most idiotic things imaginable when they panic, but this is just a whole new level of idiocy. So if you ever find yourself in a horror movie, here's a little horror movie survival guide for dummies.

1. When a car is chasing you, the middle of the road is probably not the best place to run along. Run into a building or a narrow alleyway where the car cannot follow you. If there are no buildings, run into the friggin' jungle, climb an effing tree, ANYTHING other than running in the middle of the road for God's sake!

2. One simply does not hide under the bed or between some scanty shelves when a psychopath is chasing you with an axe/machete/chainsaw, etc. One finds a legitimate hiding place or runs for dear life, screeching like a bat out of hell, as fast as your skinny legs in the tightest imaginable skirt can carry you, towards a public place where there are people. If you can't run in the skirt (and the heels), take them off! Being worried about flashing the killer should be the last thing on your mind. Besides, has it ever occurred to you that under the bed just might be the first place that the killer might look? No? It should have.

3. When one hears a sound when one is home alone, one does NOT go and investigate. Run to your room, lock the door and call the police. If it is the Sri Lankan police you might as well call your least favourite neighbour (because by the time the police finds you, you will be very dead and your body will probably be crawling with maggots) Neighbour option works. If your neighbour does not want to come, lure him/her with promises of food/sex or whatever else that rocks his world. At least if they don't manage to chase off the killer, they can still provide as a distraction by getting killed while you make your getaway. (Yes, faced with such dire circumstances, you are allowed to be evil like that)

4. One does not simply run upstairs when one is being chased by a killer where there is no escape route available. One runs out the door and onto the street where there are people. Relatively normal, non-psychopathic people.

5. One does not simply make sounds when one is in hiding. Bite your tongue if you have to but one does not sob out loud when one is inside a closet and there is a crazy killer outside.

6. One does not simply pickup shady looking hitchhikers along lonely roads. If you do, you are just stupid.

7. One does not simply sell one's soul to the devil. Unless you have a soul that not even a Mudalali in Pettah would buy. In which case the devil wouldn't accept yours either (Yes, be sad. Nobody wants you)

8. One does not simply walk into creepy looking abandoned houses. Especially if there are urban legends attached to it. Even if there are no legends attached, you simply do not walk into creepy, abandoned houses at night. Or burned down mental institutions. Or graveyards. Or abandoned hospitals. If you do, that does not mean that you are brave, you are just stupid. But if you are someone like me who does exactly what they are told not to do, try and go exploring during the day when the sun is shining.

9. Do not piss off old ladies. They are evil.

10. Stay away from dolls. Dolls are evil.

11. One does not accommodate static calls. One does not answer, especially if the telephone wire is found to be cut. And one does not hello-fy the phone if all you hear at the other end of the line is heavy breathing.

12. One does not pick up the receiver if a payphone on the road rings just as you pass by. Just don't.

13. Don't go chasing dogs, wayward maidens or even your friends who've suddenly gone crazy into the wilderness. Especially when there is a killer outside, Stay close to shelter and chances are, you will live.

14. If you are with a group of friends, don't split up. Really, why would you? Want to find a missing friend? Go together. Want to hunt or gather firewood? Go together. Want to go to the loo? Even then, go together.

15. You are at the steering wheel of your car, you have the keys, you have your foot on the gas pedal and suddenly, the killer appears at your side door. Why the eff would you just squeal like a girl and cower (as if that's gonna help) instead of flooring it and driving away? (To psychokillers - Do you really have to break the glass? Why the eff won't you try the door first? Cz dumb blondes like that never lock their doors)    

16. You are inside your car parked in the woods doing the naughty with your girl (or someone else's girl) Suddenly you hear a sound outside the vehicle. Why the eff do you want to play the hero, get off the vehicle and examine the source of the sound? You ain't Nancy Drew. Or Hardy Boys (Pun very consciously intended). None of your business. Just continue with the naughty. Or just drive away and get a room. Sheesh.

17. Don't play with Ouija boards. Just don't.

18. Don't summon up demons. Unless you can control them *grin*

19. Be the funny black guy in the movie. He never gets killed.

20. Or be the hero. Gets the girl, grows a sexy stubble also at the end of the movie (mamma mia!) and survives the attack (with sexy psychological wounds that can only be healed with plenty of kisses and lots of hanky panky *grin*)

21. Why does the dorkiest guy turn into the sexiest hunk once they turn werewolf? Or vampire. Why???

22. If you are attracted to a shady pale dude with sharp teeth and you have this overwhelming desire for him to suck all your blood, he is probably a vampire. Stay away. Or get turned a vampire and spend eternity with him *swoon* (Btw, place him in sunlight and do the sparkly test first. If he glistens like diamonds, just drop his sparkling ass. He ain't a vampire, he's just a disco ball)

 23. If your friend turns into a demon and tries to kill you, he ain't your friend anymore. All the whimpering and puppy dog eyes in the world shouldn't fool you.

24. You don't just shoot a psycho killer once and lay your gun down. Considering the fact that he just murdered your entire family and all those you love. You empty the whole barrel into the bastard, stab him a few times and cut off his head too for good measure. Then you rest, but keep the gun with you please.

25. When a killer is trying to strangle you, you don't resist. Pretend to just die. And lie very, very still till he turns to the next victim.

26. One simply must not bother running away from ghosts. They are ghosts. They will simply appear around the other corner of the road without batting an eyelid whereas you would be sweating bullets with your tongue rolling out the red carpet for them to come right in. Stupid.

27. House moving should always be preceded by a ghost or demon check. Or when hooking up with a new dude/girl. Oh and don't forget the psycho killer check.

28. Taking the path less traveled may not be such a good idea when you are in a horror movie.

29. Always lock the door when in the bathtub. And install a shower stall and make it transparent. Shower curtains are hazardous especially with serial killers around.

30. Be the boring girl/guy without a sense of humour, wearing the sensible clothes. They are usually the ones who survive.

31. Don't piss off women in general. Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned is true. I'm a woman and even I'm creeped out by my clan.

32. Just be nice to everyone at school. You never know who's gonna turn up at your reunion 20 years later and kill everyone who hadn't been nice to them.

33. If you are a descendant of some obscure bloodline with a shady history, don't ever go to the place of origin of your ancestors. Chances are, you will be pulled up for things your great great great (insert as many 'great's here) did thousands of years ago.

34. Don't go camping in remote, obscure places that you've never heard of. Especially if your friends are stupid. If you do, don't piss off the locals. And always listen to the local cop when they tell you not to go somewhere. But never trust the local cop.

35. Think twice before opening up locked doors or boxes that are chained to the teeth. They are kept closed for a reason.

36. If suddenly your phone starts ringing in an unfamiliar ringing tone, do not answer it. Phones are not supposed to do that.

37. Find an unfamiliar VHS tape or a badly edited video of random images? Don't watch it. Why watch it anyway? And if you do happen to watch it and you know you can't stop it, don't run around like a stupid cow and a half trying to stop what is happening, go bungee jumping, sky diving, etc etc. You're gonna die anyway. It's more fun being eaten by sharks than being petrified to death by a foul smelling, girl-like creature with a bad haircut crawling her way out of some obscure well.

38. And why oh why don't y'all lock your doors and windows?? It's like you want to be killed. Take it from the Sri Lankans. Put 5 different types of locks on the doors and windows, put a grill AND an alarm system. That way, if a door opens by itself, you can simply run for the hills qualms-free.

39. If the doorbell rings and you look through the peephole and there is nobody there, do NOT open the door! Do not go out leaving the door open to examine who rang the bell either. Really, how stupid can you get?

Because all this is a little too obvious. I've been on a horror movie marathon recently and idiots exasperate me. Anyways, just needed to rant. It's been a crazy two weeks and I can legitimately state that I am entitled to 10 years of sleep. It was a busy two weeks but an exciting two weeks nevertheless. Still quite pumped up and revved up to go, work can be fun when you are doing what you love best. Bit jittery on the personal front but I'm sure that should mend itself soon enough. It always does. I'm optimistic. Life excites me in general but at times, it gets me down. Ups and downs, all in a day's work I guess.

A long rant

Yet another glorious rant! It's been a while since I ranted away to my heart's content. Those of whom are bored out of their minds by random ranting, be warned. This is your cue to run several miles.

Been a crazy two weeks. Weekend had been non-existent. Work had been (dare I say fun?) but exhausting, for the lack of a better word. But it's amazing how quickly you can bounce back from exhaustion and all that it entails if you truly enjoy your work. For the moment, I do.

I am somewhat of a workaholic. I do not mind hard work as long as my work is being appreciated. What I cannot stand although is chaos. And lazy people. I don't like slackers. I like working with enthusiastic, passionate, helpful, genuine people. I like idealists. Even if they can be quite hard to work with, I like associating with people with a vision. In a world of plastic falseness where principles and personal ideals are as disposable as used tissues, idealists who are genuinely passionate about their cause and who will not compromise on their ideals are indeed, rare breaths of fresh air in a city congested with petrol fumes and cheap perfume.

It's disappointing how hard it is to find a descent human being with their ideals intact. It depresses me sometimes how I cannot seem to find at least a handful of human beings that I can actually respect.

I feel blessed. I am surrounded by people who genuinely care and that alone is the foundation I stand on. However, I've come to realize that people who matter are the ones who will make time for you to show that they care. The rest are just specks of dust unworthy of your attention. I'm choosy about who I associate with and so, my attachments are strong, having been saturated on only a few select, handpicked people. However, if I choose to add someone to my inner circle and my attention is ignored, it is personal and my interest too is eventually lost for good. I am a tad too sensitive than I like and am quick to shut down on people, at the slightest sign of rejection. Psychologically speaking, I'm an INTJ girl after all.

Why is it so cold these days? Really, I don't understand Sri Lankan weather. One minute we are all sweating the skin off our bones and the next, we are freezing our bowel movements. It's almost end of November and there is nearly no hint of that tingly Christmassy feeling at all. It was there aplenty few months back (and I've even questioned my sanity when I was feeling Christmassy in September), but not anymore. I don't think I will ever settle for a cold and gloomy Christmas, let alone a white one. Christmas for me will always be golden, happy sunshine, warmth and that searing but exciting restlessness that keeps you running round and round with stars in your eyes. It will always be a bit sweaty, clean hot skin, pungent from the sweltering warmth of sun-kissed languid afternoons. Christmas for me will always be the smell of cinnamon, of cardamom and baking cakes, of rum, fried things and marzipan. It will always be the smell of new Christmas decorations, the rustle and shine of tinsel, the twinkling lights of the Christmas trees of childhood. Christmas for me is chocolate fudge, laughter around the table, roasting poultry, frilly rich dresses and happy barks and warm furry hugs. Christmas for me will always be the smell of scented candles, memories of the beautiful times and wonderful, tear-jerking nostalgia of things that had been and never been but could have been.

I am already lost in the Christmassy world. But the sensations are long awaiting. Or perhaps I've been too busy to feel them? This weekend will be fairly laid back and I may be able to taste a bit of my own life once again, hanging out with the people that I care about. I've missed it all a bit too long! Let's see. But the main point is, the Lady has been happy :)

Culture shock

*This post is probably going to rub quite a few "patriots" the wrong way and I write this with the danger of appearing self-righteous and preachy. However, those with a modicum of brain power will realize that the aim of the post is not to slander or belittle one's own country, but simply to point out where we fall short as a nation or simply, as human beings. (those without are the reason why I have to put this explanatory note in the first place)   

Scene 1 

Setting - Melbourne International Airport. A girl stands in front of a screen displaying flight details.

Voice - Excuse me

[The girl turns around. Behind her is a gentleman around 35 - 40 years in a  business suit carrying a briefcase. He is smiling at her]

The girl - Yes?

Gentleman - I'm sorry, you must hear this everyday, but I will tell you what I came here to tell you anyway. I noticed you from there [points somewhere left] You are very beautiful.

Girl - [Looking slightly surprised] Thank you.

Gentleman - You are very welcome. Have a safe flight. [Picks up the briefcase and walks away. The girl stares after the gentleman slightly baffled but smiles to herself after a while]

Scene 2 

Settling - Bandaranaike International Airport, Colombo. Same girl slightly jetlagged passes immigration and approaches the Dutyfree shops

Voice - (loudly) Ah nangi! Dutyfree eken monawath ganne nadda! ('Ah nangi' is a common crude term used by Sri Lankan males to address girls in a playful yet derogatory way. Loose translation - Aren't you going to buy anything from the dutyfree)

Voice 2 - Poddak hina wenna ko (Smile a bit please) [Snickering, leering, hissing ensues]

[The girl stops and stares obviously dismayed but couldn't bother commenting. She walks away]


Scene 3    

Setting - The luggage belt at the Melbourne International Airport. The girl waits for her baggage and spots it. She tries to haul one by herself.

Gentleman - Let me help you with that [Waits till all her baggage arrives and loads them on to a trolley for her]

Girl - Thank you very much.

Gentleman - My pleasure [smiles and collects his own baggage]

Scene 4 

Settling - Luggage belt at the Bandaranaike International Airport, Colombo. The girl waits for her luggage, spots it and tries to haul it by herself. Couple of males around her, airport staff watch her attentively. Several males mockingly cheer her on but nobody offers to help. 

Voices - Haiyyen allaganna (Hold it tight) Balagena wateyi (It will fall in a mocking tone) [Hissing, snickering continues]

Scene 5

Setting - Melbourne Airport customs. The customs officer watches her smilingly as she tries to push her trolley in a straight line. One of the wheels have gone astray. She approaches the officer and submits her forms)

Customs officer - Good day! What have you got there darlin'?

Girl - Clothes, books, some spices, you know the usual stuff. Would you like to have a look?

Customs officer - Nah, no need. The spices are all processed yeah?

Girl - Processed and packeted.

Customs officer - Good girl. There you go, all stamped up. Oh wait, wheel trouble eh. Let me fix you up.

[He goes off and fetches another trolley, shifts all her baggage to the new one] There you are. Off you go darlin'

Girl - [moved] Thank you very much.

Customs officer - Pleasure. Enjoy your stay [Calls after her] Great driving hun! *grin*

Scene 6

Setting - Sri Lankan Airport Customs. The girl has been cleared off the initial customs check and is proceeding towards the exit. Another set of trainee custom officers gather near the exit and descend upon her.

1st person - Stop. Passport? [Girl hands over the passport]

2nd - What do you have here?

Girl - Clothes, books, some chocolate, the usual stuff.

3rd - Open the bags [The girl looks at them perplexed as she has been cleared off. A senior customs officer passes by]

Senior officer - (Calls out to the trainee lot) She's been cleared. Nothing to see there. Let her go.

[The group disperses reluctantly, looking at the girl almost grudgingly]

Scene 7 

Setting - Supermarket, Melbourne. The girl is at the checkout counter getting groceries. A girl works the tills

Cashier - Good evening! How are you today? (smiles)

Girl - Good evening! I'm good. And you?

Cashier - Oh I am doing just fine. You have beautiful hair

Girl - Thank you

Scene 8

Setting - Supermarket Colombo. Same girl out shopping. The girl working the till looks at the customer, takes the whole of her in, frowns and continues to check the items out with a screwed up face.

Scene 9

Setting - Road crossing, Melbourne. The girl waits for the lights to turn and crosses the road with her grocery bag. One bag breaks and some apples roll over the road. The lights turn green for the vehicles but not a single vehicle moves. Two gentlemen get out of two cars, help the girl recover the apples and carries her bags across the road. Then only, the vehicles start moving.

Scene 10

Setting - Road crossing Sri Lanka. The girl crosses the road. Vehicles barely stop but whizzes past almost brushing.

Voices - Ah sweetie! Koheda yanne? (Where are you going) Oya mara sexy kalla ah! ('kalla' being a derogatory term, objectifying a woman) Balagena happey (careful you will be hit by a car in a mocking way) Sha! Oya maarai anee. [Wolf whistles, hissing, cars honking, headlights flashing, leering, jeering]

Scene 11

Setting - Melbourne streets. The girl gets onto a bus, punches in her Myki and settles down on a seat. The driver patiently waits till she is well settled and then only drives off.

Scene 12 

Setting - Colombo streets. The girl gets onto a bus. No sooner does she have one foot on the footboard the bus pulls off with a jerk. She has to fight her way in with great effort, get her change out with great difficulty and hand the money to the impatient conductor who accepts the money grumbling.



What hit me today suddenly is, living in this god forsaken country, you kind of get used to the harassment, the rudeness and the general ugliness of people's behavior and it all becomes background noise. Once in a while when you do get out of the country do you remember, hey, humans are not so bad after all. These are everyday situations I've put down. I've chosen Australia because those are the freshest memories, but experience is quite similar in other western countries as well. It is this sudden realization that prompted me to write this post today, of all the days. You become used to these atrocities to such an extent that at the event of a small kindness like someone opening a door for you, you are surprised. This must not happen. We are human beings after all. Not animals.

Granted that our infrastructure, economy and etc might not be even as close to being developed as Western countries, but surely it does not take an awful lot to be civil to another human being? Trouble is, we take everything from the western countries - their extravagant lifestyles of car races, fine dining, clothing and even their accents, but we don't even attempt to make an example of their good habits. Is it because our life here is so hard, that our economy in general squeezes, wrings us on everyday basis in a struggle for survival that we can't even get ourselves to smile at another person and just be pleasant? Makes me wonder.  

We were once a nation that was known for the smiles of its people and their general hospitality. It's still there to a certain extent among those who live in villages that are somewhat away from the dirty claws of urbanization. But us the urbanized lot have become cultural orphans belonging neither here nor there. Walk onto a public space in Colombo on a weekend and you will be surrounded by clones - straightened, coloured hair, bleached skin, anorexic figures, fake accents with everybody looking like gene confused clones, everybody looking the same. Attack of the clones. Individuality is lost. Why would anyone want to look like everybody else, doing what everybody else does just escapes me. And this 'everybody else' just happens to be 'not Sri Lankan'.

Women have to be stick-thin, body-hairless, fair, have neat straight hair and be subdued in nature. Men have to be clean-shaven, fair, wear neatly pressed clothes, highly polished shoes and have neatly cropped hair. They may stand out from time to time, in a typical Sri Lankan setting, but globally, they blend in with the furniture. Who sets these standards anyway? Colonial mentality? I feel so.

For me an attractive man is someone who stands out from the crowd, someone who refuses to conform and is a gentleman in every way. A beautiful woman is someone who celebrates her individuality, someone who is comfortable in her own skin and is big, bold and deep in every way. Others are just pretty faces, background trees and rocks. Landscape - easily forgettable. Especially when they look and behave like everybody else.

Globalization is necessary but we must weed out the bad and take only what is good. But what happens is the exact opposite. It does not take a lot to be kind. It does not hurt to be civil to one another. As for sexual harassment, if you like the way a woman looks, it does not hurt to let her know that in a civil manner. Actually, we appreciate it and might actually like you as opposed to wanting to throw our shoes and whatever that hurts at you.  

An orphaned nation we are, not knowing where we belong, not wanting to know where we belong. But as all rootless trees go, a rootless individual is easily swept away in a storm. Pianos or drums? Choose one. 

Ramblings on a Sunday morning

The Lady is a happy creature these days. She walks with a spring in her step and a smile on her face.

A dogged determination to live healthy drives me these days. Well, healthy-er. Growing up with a health freak of a mother I've always learnt to eat healthy. Yoga is as usual and part of life as eating, drinking, brushing my teeth and the regular routine of life and I am fond of dancing. Being a bit of a creature of the night, sleeping was the only part that was lacking. I disciplined myself into getting into a routine and I now get 7.30 - 8+ hours regularly. The effect is remarkable.

I feel so much younger! I have so much of energy and so much of enthusiasm about life in general that it is crazy. No more feeling tired even before the day has begun, no more bouts of lethargy. There's just so much energy! Comments on how much younger and more fresher looking I am these days don't hurt either. All in all, it's evident that the early to bed regiment is working.

Sometimes I worry that I will outlive everyone. People have such unhealthy lifestyles these days. But I am working on keeping the people that I care about just a bit longer by inspiring them (which varies from bribing, coaxing to death threats) to live healthier too.

The behavior of  the male animal is truly fascinating. At the presence of a female of his species, the male animal will make sure that the female animal makes a note of his presence and will not leave until his mission has been accomplished. Especially ones with that much of extra ego who simply cannot stand being ignored. Next comes the demonstration of his assets. The male animal will usually puff out the chest, straighten his shoulders to make himself appear taller and broader. He will make constant displays of strength and power, all the time making sure that he appears prominent in the background. In simple terms, he will strut his stuff. At the apparent disinterest of the female, the male animal will often keep trying or lose interest whilst the most ego-ridden of the lot will take offence at the disinterest and will purposely and very blatantly ignore the female. It's all very interesting. That primal instinct of the male animal to showcase his strength and the capability to protect and maintain a family I suppose? It's kind of like a mating call. Simply enthralling. I like observing people.

Me and SLT have a complicated relationship. Sometimes it's love and most times its seething, boiling rage. I exceed my 40GB limit for the month fairly quickly (yes, it's SLT's most ancient unlimited package) and the internet becomes excruciatingly slow. Like I can have a good sleep and wake up while it loads kind of slow. When that happens, banshee mode is so on! Sparks and random objects fly with the tantrum session usually ending with a well spiced phone call seeped in chili to the 'Sri Lanka Telecom' with a suffering telephone operator at the other end, not knowing what hit em (I know it's unfair to unleash the whole width, breadth and the height of my fury at them but most of the time these operators are so obnoxious that you simply cannot help yourself. I dare say, you even derive a secret pleasure out of it) The connection just reset and I am somewhat appeased. For the moment.

To help people, to make a difference in this world has always been something that I've always strived for. Naive as I was in my younger days, I had always assumed that dedicating myself to a humanitarian organization would suit this purpose just perfectly. But older and (hopefully) wiser now, having observed organizational behavior and the nature of the human kind in general, I have eventually come to terms with the fact that if I wanted to help, I would have to do it in my own time. And I am at peace with that.

I have realized that happiness lies within me. Yes, this is a common quote that you see plastered across social media, FB timelines and yes, even bumper stickers. Cliched as it is, no matter how many times you see this, the moment the truth of this statement hits you, it's a form of enlightenment in itself. I have realized that no matter how selflessly you give yourself to those who you've considered to be your own, if you place your happiness upon them, you will always be unhappy. Because it is human nature to be selfish, even if they don't intend to be. Your happiness will never be as important to another person as it is to you. But it is okay, that is how it will always be. As difficult as this was to accept, I have come to terms with this. And I am at peace with that.

During the past couple of months, I have also realized that I relish, enjoy and revel in my alone time. I have learned to appreciate the precious time I get to spend with myself, my thoughts and I, and I've come to cherish solitude. It's a wonderful state of being where your happiness is entirely yours and you please no one but yourself. Alone time gives you the opportunity to look inside and ask yourself what you really want. Having a life companion who understands you and cares about you is all very well, but the understanding of oneself and what you want from life is quite something else altogether. I've realized that I am completely at peace with solitude. It is indeed, a blessing.

I have also somewhat figured out what I want from life primarily. But I have not yet figured everything out just yet. I may never will. But that's okay, you don't need to know everything at once. Normally I'd be perturbed that I am not sure about what I want but now, I am at peace with that.

The world is a vast place and I have come to realize that I have not even traveled a modicum of what it has got to offer. So the aim is to try and cover as much of it as possible. This year, I will not be travelling Europe as planned as it very well seems like the universe has way too many plans for me this year. And I am happy. Because life has a way of giving me what I need which may not always coincide with what I want. Although I do feel sad when things do not happen as I want, in the long run so far, things have turned out pretty darn great.

I've also learnt that if you lead your life fairly, justly and generously, helping those you can, when you can, however which way you can, not causing pain or harm to anyone, life always has a way of having your back, one way or the other. You see, universe has patterns. Everything in the universe happens according to a pattern and while the larger design may never be clear to us, it is up to us to recognize those little hints and nuances. It's a remarkable thing, this turn of events - if fate dictates (and you can see the signs well in advance in how facts and figures are almost incredibly interconnected, how certain opportunities have a way of getting missed by split seconds only to get reunited in the future and etc), things will happen in that specific order. I believe that the universe weaves the net of fate as we go or as they say, we write our own destiny in the choices and decisions we make. And living justly, generously and fairly is a choice we make every single day.

Besides, when you live in this manner, you feel that your life is lived and happiness becomes an everyday thing. And I wouldn't have it any other way :)  

Sri Lankan aunties and social conventions

Sri Lankan aunties. Sigh.

It does not matter that you have accomplished much more than they had ever achieved in their 50+ years or what their married with kids daughter/son ever will in their entire lifetime, it does not matter what educational qualifications you have in your bag, it does not matter that you are an internationally published writer whose presence is occasionally required at writing festivals worldwide, it does not matter that you are a sought after professional in your particular field of work, it does not matter that you are earning enough to maintain their family and yours. Hell, I don't think it would even matter if you'd won the friggin' Nobel Peace Prize at some point in your life. None of it matters unless you've gotten married. And had kids.

Yes, I am writing fresh out of a "oh so you aren't still married *condescending look*" experience. Ugh.

I come from that segment of the society when just as you turned 20, your parents start looking for a 'suitable partner in life' (Ah the sheer number of these 'proposed' fellows that I've scared away puts a smile on my face) If you are a girl, you are practically home schooled for the fear of you getting involved with someone 'inappropriate'. I have been a (relatively) good girl all my life. I don't drink, I don't smoke or do drugs. I have a near-perfect academic record and I did not even have a boyfriend till I finished school (not because I was virtuous like that but because I had snobbishly categorized all the boys my age those days as immature and shallow. Which was quite true). Its absurd how good I've been really. But still, I am considered a rebel, the black sheep, the rotten fruit and etc in this particular community. Why? Because at 27 years of age, I am still refusing to get married and play happy families.

I am of the opinion that these aunties should worship me. I've practically been a saint (Ahem. Well, they don't know anything. They don't have to)

I am not a feminist by any degree. I am more of a person who values individual freedom rooting for the freedom of choice, whether you are a man or a woman. Therefore I simply fail to understand why an independent woman (financial and otherwise) cannot choose her own life. It's not that I am boycotting marriage altogether. It's just that now is not the time.

I thoroughly believe that everything depends on the timing. If the timing is wrong, even the most perfect thing can fall to pieces. Marriage in particular is all about the right timing. It's not even about the right person. I have, so far, been lucky (or wise) in love. I have a beautiful relationship going for me right now with a beautiful human being and I have every intention of solidifying this wonderful thing with marriage. But marriage means change and it is quite a huge change at that. And as all change goes, it requires exact timing. So there is no way in hell that I am ruining this beautiful thing with anything less.

I also believe that if it is the right time, if you are in that "I must now settle down and start a family" frame of mind, you can just about marry/settle down with anyone and live with your choice, even if it is the completely wrong choice for you. Which is what most people, if not all, do these days. Sure you will have these occasional qualms and moments of screaming conscience, but you will learn to drown that out by other means - drinking, drugs, other men/women, work, etc being the most popular choices. People are driven to 'just' settling down because they are afraid that they are growing old/lonely/all the others around you are married/settled etc. Which are completely the wrong reasons to get married and settle down btw. With all that as it is, this choice usually ends up leading the people to their own wreck and ruin rather than salvaging them as it should. This is based on observation, purely.

True happiness lies in finding that one person who understands you, all your quirks and anomalies and is happy to be weird, quirky and abnormal with you. At the considerably ripe age of 27, I have come to understand that.  

In fact, here is the big, fat giant clue that you are with the right person - you simply want to become a better person. Why? Because the other person inspires you to do so. Because you want to do this right. If this happens inverse, then you've got yourself a problem.

Ok so back to the topic again.

Looking back, I am quite happy and content with what I've accomplished in life so far. It's a rare thing indeed for a human being to be thus satisfied and I am glad that I am. And throughout all these years, if I've understood anything at all about life, it is that EVERYTHING happens for a very good reason. Even the most crappiest of all experiences, the most burning of all disappointments, even if I felt that I won't survive those incidents at that time. All these have led me to the point that I am today. And I am in a pretty fine place right now. I dare say that I am proud of myself, despite what the aunties say. *A well earned pat on the back*

At the doorstep of another new chapter in my life. I get to conjoin two of my favorite things from tomorrow onward - Writing and food. Quite looking forward to this. So far, I've been blessed. As they say, if you do what you love, you will never work a day in your life.

Not that any of that will matter to the aunties. Not that I care either. After all, it's my conscience that I have to live with, not these aunties that become my bane at funerals, weddings, alms givings and etc.

I swear, they seem to just smell unmarried women!
  

Existential crisis

Bit of a mouthful, yes, But I have these every once in a while. Especially during the cold and flu season when the body is too tired to engage in anything else but the mind is working overtime.

I sometimes wonder why we are here. Surely not just to eat, sleep, work our youth away, get married when the time is right, make children and fall like flies when it's time to go? Are we the background singers to an opera masterpiece happening elsewhere quite unknown to us? Are we the backdrop of this brilliant theater piece and are ironically missing the most important part of the play? Are we the poor soldiers fighting somebody else's war ultimately falling away unnoticed with an illusion of heroism and grandeur? I have this constant feeling that I am missing out on something, something important, perhaps THE most important thing. I sometimes feel that we are all ants. Small, insignificant and quite pathetic.

Not that ants are pathetic. Ants are awesome.

I have been told that I think too much. But how much exactly is "too much"? How do we know when to start or stop thinking? How do we know when or if we should not think at all.

My father has always said that I've always been too old for my age, even as a 5 year old. Well, I do feel old right now.

Not physically though. I respect my body and treat it well. And I dare say that it is at least 10 years younger than it's actual age. What I mean is feeling old mentally. I feel resigned. Disillusioned. Not a fun place to be at all.

And then I wonder, why oh why do I need to maintain this body that is not even mine. The thought process is complex and never ending.    

I'm well past the stage where you feel the constant need to impress. I now do only what pleases me and I do not apologize for being who I am, making the mistakes that I make. If it pleases me to be a baboon tomorrow I will behave like one. I am well past holding grudges or vendettas. I am well past playing games. Life is too short for all that and I think anger, drama and all that pretentious crap are really very childish. Forgive, forget, cherish the moment and move on. Make lots of friends. But when you want to be alone, ditch them all and enjoy time by yourself. Make peace with rivals, incidents in the past, keep no enemies. If you want something, go out and get it. If you don't want something, trash it then and there. Love those who deserve your love unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. People are flawed anyway, but you can't fault them for that. Love because the act of loving makes you happy. There actually is no truer joy than seeing those who you love being happy.

 But then, there are the relationships that define us - parents, lovers, siblings, etc. However much we declare ourselves to be independent, there are certain things that one must do for one's loved ones and those things often weigh heavy on your mind. For example, as a respectable girl coming from a respectable family living in the not-so-respectable contemporary Sri Lankan society, I am required to find a respectable man, marry him, settle down, make healthy children, play happy families and etc. What if I don't want that, at least not right now? Of course you can refuse to do all that but in turn you have to risk breaking the hearts of your parents, lover and etc. Loved ones being my weakest point, there is no way in seven hells I would do that. Why? Because that would make my loved ones sad and that in turn would make me sad. Bloody vicious circle. Bloody emotional blackmail. Bloody weak me.  

And I hear William Blake's sarcy tone going off in my head - "The mind forg'd manacles I hear"

Anyways, I have come to realize that only love and love alone can make a person feel fulfilled. Love in all shapes, forms and nature. And that all sacrifices made in its name are not wasted and this is something I've learned overtime. And no, this ain't no romantic mumbo jumbo, this is true, disillusioned realism right here.

All these may sound like bumper stickers or cheesy social media motivational posts but they actually make sense to me now. Ever felt how good it feels bundling a helpless puppy in your arms and bringing him home knowing he will have food and shelter for the rest of his life? Ever felt how good it feels to help someone in need knowing that his gutter days are over or to be kind to some random stranger, only to see this surprised sense of delight in his face? That is the feeling to aim for.

I think most people just exist just because they were born. And then they turn around and call it living. I think everybody is just searching for a reason to live for and sadly for most, it's making the most amount or money or reaching the pinnacle of power these days. I personally think that what most people call as human greed is really this very human want of a reason to exist. Achieve one financial/power goal, feel that all too familiar restlessness again and move on to the next financial/power goal. I know plenty of people who end up feeling as if they have no reason to live when they no longer have a job. I know people who live for their job, have made their job their entire life. And this has nothing to do with finances mind you. These are people who are comfortably off, who have enough means to live quite opulently even without a job.

In a way, it's a blessing to have such simple needs, to be satiated with something so easily obtained as money, a job or a career. But what if you can no longer be satiated by money, a thriving career, recognition or even knowledge? What if along the way, you've realized (or you think you realized) that all those are child's play and that there is something bigger out there that you are missing out on but you are not really sure of what that is? Then the real problem begins.

You have only two options - (a) Find yourself a challenging career/occupation/engagement, etc and engage in it to such a level that you will forget that anything else outside that exists (b) Continue to search for that missing piece, constantly battling with this sense of deprivation. Of these, the first is almost always the preferred choice.      

Ranted enough methinks, blogging helps clear the head and sometimes it gives answers. Anyways, having a bad cold is not the best of situations. Sensory deprivation is the worst, the loss of sense of smell and taste. Been sneezing my brains off for a good three days now and I am getting quite tired of this now.  

Grumpus mode on.